As I Prepare to Lose a Few Brain Cells

August 3, 2011

On the eve of my debut as a self-styled television critic, I have got to tell you: I’m tickled pink and more excited than I thought I’d be.  Part of it is due to the prospect of my evil urges being satiated by regular opportunities to rip apart the likes of the Jersey Shore crowd.  Until now I’d only been privy to snippets of the show.  So after reading up a little on these degenerates, viewing past video footage courtesy of and watching this

…I’m still excited, but now also a titch scared that I’ve gotten myself into something that will ultimately make my head explode.   I’m happy to watch so that you don’t have to – but know that if you do watch, you’ll be able to partake that much more easily in my mocking of this freak show *cough* reality TV program.

See you on the other side of tomorrow night’s season premiere!



Anatomy of the “We” Monster

July 27, 2011

Have you ever noticed that certain people completely lose the “I” in their lives when they become part of a couple?

“We” monster: formerly cool friend who undergoes an unfortunate metamorphosis whenever he or she embarks upon a romantic relationship.

Chances are good that you either know a “we” monster, are guilty of being a “we” monster, or both. I have personally been commended by more than a few friends for Precious-in-a-Relationship’s striking resemblance to Single-Precious, so I’ve earned the right to be smug and condescending towards these creatures.  If you’re at all familiar with these people, you can agree that they have it coming.

You’ve known your pal forever.  Together, you’ve laughed your way in and out of dozens of relationship adventures, and up until now you thought of this person as a reliable confidant(e) and maybe even a partner-in-crime.  You feel like you know this person pretty well.

Then your friend finds herself (let’s assume it’s a female friend for our purposes, although guys are equally as likely to undergo this ugly transformation) in a relationship that is more functional, at first glance, than any of her past attempts at coupling up.

At first, you’re thrilled for her and look forward to the juicy tidbits she’ll no doubt be imparting as she and her new beau fall for each other.  You naturally expect her to be less available as she’ll be busy running through a meadow picking flowers and gazing longingly at her new love – or something to that effect (read: doing it like rabbits) – but you still figure that, as your friend, and as a civilized human being, she will continue to be a bright, positive force in your life.  So you’re absolutely not ready for what comes next.

Read the rest of this entry »

When Bad Dates Happen to Nice-ish People

April 15, 2011

The other day, a girlfriend of mine was regaling me with the details of a horrific date she’d been on.  It was so horrifying that it was funny, as is typical of a bad date – as long as you don’t take yourself too seriously, which we most certainly don’t.  We always suspect that karma is sending us presents for some of the mischief we get into.

“Definitely my worst date EVER,” my friend said, decisively.

“Well,” I giggled, as I involuntarily spewed part of my martini out through my nose.  “At least you got a great anecdote out of it!”

My girlfriends and I love to discuss, in painstaking detail, all drama that has ensued as a result of our dating disasters.  Sometimes on a date, I’ve actually felt myself waiting impatiently for the end to come, just so that I could speed-dial whoever and recount the gory details.  I’ve traditionally been greeted by disturbed gasps, followed closely by hysterical laughter.

While my friend and I discussed her disappointing rendez-vous, I started thinking back to some of my all-time greatest dating stories, and realized that some of the worst are also the most riveting – and by “riveting”, I mean “a disturbing and entertaining blend of horrifying and hilarious”. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Forced Affection Day!

February 14, 2011

I love ‘love’.  As in, I love the act of love; I love the feeling of love.

I really do.  I’m a loving person who loves to love, and who loves to be loved.  My definition of love, however, doesn’t include getting all worked up with materialistic expectations and participating in choreographed displays of affection one day a year, just because the greeting card industry tells me to.

It’s funny – until I was about twelve, it didn’t even register that Valentine’s Day was largely meant for couples.  My parents used to give me cutesy cards, chocolates in pink, heart-shaped boxes, and other gifts that little girls go berserk over, like plush toys and the like.  I assumed it was about all types of love, not just romantic love.  At the age of twelve, I had my first real crush, and my friends and I delighted in distributing our Valentines to boys in our class, and gossiped incessantly about who we thought liked who (what a simple, gleeful time that was, compared to what we would experience not ten years later, when boys became “complicated”).

The first time Valentine’s Day came around while I was actually in a relationship (because how many times have some of us broken up with someone right before the blasted holiday) was – well, it probably wasn’t bad by most people’s standards – but then I’m not most people.  I think I realized, right then, that I had little to no respect for the “holiday”, even resented it for placing so much pressure on people to feel like they need to participate in it. Read the rest of this entry »

Top Ten Facebook Friends I Hate

December 22, 2010

Facebook has become more than a social network to me.  It’s become something akin to the distant relative you hate, whom you’d love to shut out of your life completely, but know you never will.  It’s the relative that’s always stirring up the shit, causing conflict between you and your family or friends.  It’s that poisonous individual that somehow has a knack for messing with your self-esteem, and even makes you question your once solid affection for certain people.  Social network?  Try manipulative leech.

Seriously, Facebook brings out so many of the worst qualities in people.  I actually have a profound respect for the people who are holding out and refusing to join.  All eight of them.

I originally joined Facebook to see what the kerfuffle was about.  I immediately saw the warning signs of addiction and resolved to hang in a little longer (in order to reconnect with long-lost friends), and then close the account.  Almost four years later, here I am, with no way out in sight.

The problem, of course, is that nowadays people communicate via Facebook more than they use email, or even the phone.  It’s almost a given, these days, that when you hit it off with someone at a party or event, they will probably not take your number – they’ll add you as a friend on Facebook.  Let’s face it; it’s almost to the point where people will add you as a friend if they pass you on the street and hear someone they know call you by name.

As convenient and useful as social networking sites are, I firmly believe that certain people should be banned from using them, or at least schooled in the art of how not to come off as a narcissistic jackass. It absolutely blows my mind how many perfectly lovely people become obnoxious the minute they log onto Facebook or Twitter.

Everyone has a few friends whom they’ve begun to hate a little bit through Facebook, despite how close they might be to those friends in real life.  Come on, admit it.  I personally surprise myself daily by how many times I snarl, “No one cares!” at my computer screen.  Before you go thinking that I’m overly sensitive, please note that my ire is mainly sparked by those who commit these infractions on a chronic basis.

In an effort to channel my ever-growing contempt into a place other than an ill-advised status update of my own, I’ve compiled a list of what I consider to be the top ten most obnoxious Facebook users: Read the rest of this entry »