And the awards for self-pity and hypocrisy go to…

September 11, 2011
…the Situation and Ronnie, respectively.  I spent much of this week’s Jersey Shore Italy episode baffled by the level of self-delusion that seems to be rampant in that house.

The episode opens with Sitch on a sofa, moaning softly and staring straight ahead, with such a forlorn look on his face that he could be auditioning for  the role of Lady Guinevere in an off-Broadway stage production.

"Me have boo boo on neck."

Sitch tells us that he’s learned that he shouldn’t bang his head into walls in Italy. You know, because elsewhere, it’s perfectly commonplace to bang one’s head into walls.

The Abuser (as Ronnie shall henceforth be known) wakes Sammi up with a kiss and an apology and asks if she wants to talk.  She tells him they can talk later, which I guess, for her, is what passes for showing restraint.

We learn that almost none of the roommates have any sympathy for Sitch, because his injuries are self-inflicted.  I will say this: I do not disagree with them.  His weepy declarations of how he wants to go home do not move me.  Especially since he’s previously mentioned that he only has to wear the cervical collar for 10 days.  So, let’s face it – he has no intention of going anywhere – he just wants attention.

Ronnie provides it in the form of a tête-à-tête. Read the rest of this entry »


Jersey Shore Misogyny: Wash, Rinse, Repeat

September 4, 2011

Last week in entertainment news, Pauly D’s irritation with the Hollywood Walk of Fame’s decision to shut out reality television stars made me laugh and laugh.  Who at MTV was dumb enough to make these people feel so important that they’ve come to feel so entitled?  In any case, I sat down to watch the fifth episode of Jersey Shore Italy anticipating fireworks and mad entertainment.  I expected to watch Ronnie and the Situation destroy each other.  If you did, too, I imagine you were disappointed.

The denouement of last week’s fight between Ronnie and the Situation is laughable, and the lesson learned here is that the lives of these people really are as dull as they seem.  Even when you think something big is about to happen, it’s not.

We pick up where we left off, with Ronnie getting “gully” on Sitch’s ass…yeah, I’m still trying to figure out what it means to “get gully”, but whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not interesting.

Anyway, the one thing they didn’t show last week is that, after Sitch suddenly went batshit and started banging on the wall with his hands, he apparently bashed his head against the wall as well.

Sitch mistakes the wall for Ronnie.

It’s hard to tell with all of the sneaky editing, but it looks like he then gets up and resumes his histrionics.  Ron is concurrently blaming Sammi for everything that has transpired.  It’s somehow her fault that she told him about Sitch blowing his cover, which in turn caused Ronnie to behave like a wild animal that has been provoked mercilessly.  Do you follow? Read the rest of this entry »

Bullies and Hypocrites, Jersey-Style

August 30, 2011

This past week, I was actually looking forward to seeing what our Jersey Shore team of hot messes was up to.

For the fourth episode in Italy, we pick up on the morning after Deena and Vinny played Pass The Drunk Twin, and Vinny is telling Ronnie about how Deena pulled a robbery on him.  As Vinny puts it, “Truth is, me and Deena did tag-team  a girl.  But robbing is not team work.  It’s called ‘tag-team’, not ‘tag-rob’.”  Uh-huh.  Your wit astounds me, Vinny.

Snooki is still whining about how if she loses Gianni over the lies Sitch is telling, she’ll kill him.  Thou doth protest too much, Minnie Mouse.

Who told Snooki this was a good look for her?

Deena is annoyed that the guys are all judging her for hooking up with a girl.  I agree with you, Deena – in fact, I’m waiting to see Pauly hook up with an especially pretty guy that one of you girls brings home!

The girls have decided to wear floppy hats and put on Long Island accents for Sunday dinner.   Result: Read the rest of this entry »

No Idea Why Abercrombie & Fitch is Concerned…Really. No Idea.

August 20, 2011

I started off watching this week’s Jersey Shore episode with a song in my heart.  This had much to do with my amusement regarding Abercrombie & Fitch’s statement released earlier in the week saying that they had asked Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to please stop wearing their clothes, that they’d be happy to pay him and the rest of the cast to refrain from being free advertising for them.  Gold, I tell you.  I don’t care what their motivation is, be it a marketing ploy or sincere concern for their brand image.  The move was so deliciously cheeky that I might just look into A&F clothes even though I’ve never shopped there before.

As this week’s episode begins, The Situation himself is finishing up his second booty call with the same idiotic girl he unceremoniously kicked out the last time.  He unceremoniously kicks her out again.

As chivalrous as ever.

Read the rest of this entry »

How Are They Making Italy Seem This Dull?

August 14, 2011

The second episode of Jersey Shore Italy takes us back to the end of the previous episode…you know, where Deena is slurping up Pauly’s face at a club, and Pauly looks like he’s having  dental surgery without anesthetics and is praying for death.

"Anyone have any Listerine handy? Or Clorox will do."

Cut to Pauly saying (in a none-too-convincing manner) that “it was fun – she’s a good kisser, I’m a good kisser…”

Pauly wants this girl like a person wants a root canal – I can see it on his face.  It has nothing to do with “feelings” or him not wanting to hurt her, like he’s saying.  But Snooki the valedictorian doesn’t see this. She and JWoww are convinced that Pauly will hook up with Deena at some point.

Pauly proceeds to flirt with other girls at the club and the other female housemates save Deena from making an ass of herself by kidnapping her when she tries to break up his antics.

In the cab on the way home, Pauly all but offers to pay Vinny to hook up with Deena when they get home.  Yup, sounds like the fires of passion are burning strong.  I’m still not altogether sure whether it’s Deena that repulses him, or just women in general. Read the rest of this entry »

Jersey Bore

August 6, 2011

The first ten minutes of Jersey Shore Italy: Episode 1 feature what I assume was meant as compelling footage of the Classless Eight.

Snooki educates us on how Europe is a large *country*, “and then Britain’s in there, and England, and Italy”.  It’s unclear to me, among other things, as to whether she believes that Italy is outside of Europe, or a part of it.

Pauly tells us about how he plans to make his trip to Italy one big panty raid.  I think to myself, “Wait…he’s not gay?”  And it occurs to me that I haven’t actually heard of a panty raid since I watched old Police Academy movies with my parents.

Deena tells us that she doesn’t plan to just “do sex”, she’s going to feel the guys out and THEN maybe do sex.  She also shows the passport photographer her ample rear in a take-me-from-behind move that I’m sure had the photog hurriedly closing up shop afterward so that he could run home for a quick scrub with bleach.

Deena's odd mating ritual with the passport photog

Read the rest of this entry »

As I Prepare to Lose a Few Brain Cells

August 3, 2011

On the eve of my debut as a self-styled television critic, I have got to tell you: I’m tickled pink and more excited than I thought I’d be.  Part of it is due to the prospect of my evil urges being satiated by regular opportunities to rip apart the likes of the Jersey Shore crowd.  Until now I’d only been privy to snippets of the show.  So after reading up a little on these degenerates, viewing past video footage courtesy of and watching this

…I’m still excited, but now also a titch scared that I’ve gotten myself into something that will ultimately make my head explode.   I’m happy to watch so that you don’t have to – but know that if you do watch, you’ll be able to partake that much more easily in my mocking of this freak show *cough* reality TV program.

See you on the other side of tomorrow night’s season premiere!