The End of “Obnoxious”

October 29, 2011

The final episode of Jersey Shore Italy crept up on me while I wasn’t looking.  It’s bittersweet because although it was the last week I had to sit and watch horrible Snooki and her hateful antics, I have thoroughly enjoyed  this exercise in television writing. Here, a week late (sorry!), is my last recap of this hot mess.

Picking up from last week’s episode where Sitch left the club to sulk after no one would pay him any mind, we are witness to him talking to himself.  He is slurring about how if anyone messes with him, he’ll take them down, and we get to see him practice his famous brand of karate moves again:

I'll tell ya, this guy provides unexpected comedy relief if nothing else

Every time he does this, it’s clear that he’s never taken a martial arts class in his life.

Shortly afterward, the rest of the troupe returns, and Ronnie, who apparently still thinks he’s Oprah, sits down with Sitch and has a “tough love” talk with him.  He informs him that if he can’t get along with the housemates, he has got to go.  Sitch is half incredulous, half amused, but still 100% self-pitying.

Sammi and Ronnie decide they need to “get their smoosh on” and head into the “smoosh” room for privacy.  The prepubescent duo, a.k.a Pauly and Vinny, have a lot of fun commenting on how little time it took the horny couple to do the deed.  It’s not lost on me that the only sex Vinny’s had in Italy was with a garden gnome, and the only sex Pauly’s been offered in Italy was with a girl he is clearly repulsed by.  I’m sure they can hardly wait to get back to the Shore, land of the drunken, stupid women who will actually allow these guys within 10 feet of them. Read the rest of this entry »

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Meatball Madness & Other Catastrophes

October 16, 2011

Week 11 at the Shore manse in Italy picks up where we left off, with Snooki the Terrible telling her boyfriend Jionni that she did, in fact, have sex with Vinny the other night.  He tells her he’s devastated and gets all emotional – communicating in a way that is more articulate than Snooki is probably able to understand.  She just knows the news is not good.  I can’t help but notice that during an argument, he and Ronnie are night and day.  Jionni talks about how Snooki has made him feel and tries to show her the issues from his perspective.  Ronnie shoves Sammi, beats his chest, and spews verbal abuse. Amazingly, the rest of the crew never bats an eye when Ronnie behaves like a bully, and yet they all thought Jionni was a jerk because he “should have known how Snooki is”, so apparently everything was his own fault.  I ask myself, not for the first time, why Jionni has associated himself in any way with the likes of these people.

Deena, once again, tries to convince Pauly to “do sex” with her.  I still do not understand, for the LIFE of me, why this girl hasn’t clued into the fact that this guy would rather have his head dipped into a vat of hot wax than have sex with her.  HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. YOU.  Good lord, get a clue, and stop humiliating yourself.

While Deena plans to cap the night by sleeping with Pauly, Pauly is telling us that he needs to make sure he brings a girl home from the club so that the spot in his bed is occupied.  I’m not optimistic that he can make that happen, unless they find a spot filled with drunken Americans wanting to make their television debut in his bed with a camera and a black light pointing at them.  Because, in case you haven’t noticed, these guys have yet to score with an Italian girl.

Turns out, they do meet English-speaking girls, presumably from somewhere in North America.  One of them touches the sculpture on Pauly’s head and he pretty much freaks out on her.  So…no go with this one.

By the time Sammi and Ronnie decide to leave the club, Pauly still hasn’t found a girl he can bring home to save him from what he clearly sees as certain doom.  As they leave, Ronnie jokingly warns Pauly that he doesn’t want Pauly hooking up with Deena.  Pauly looks at him as though he’s just suggested that Pauly find a rabid dog and have sex with it.

"Are you on crack?"

Yup, Deena.  That is certainly the facial expression of a guy who wants you, but doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. Sure.

Pauly, Vinny and Deena barely make it into the taxi before she starts propositioning him again.  This has moved past embarrassing, and is starting to get creepy.  The whole way home, she harasses him, and he tries to talk his way out of it without coming out and telling her that he’s repulsed by her.  He even throws in a “joke” about how after he f**ked Vinny, it’s never been the same.  Mm-hmm, Pauly.  Do go on. Read the rest of this entry »


Snooki the Terrible, Part Three

October 9, 2011

When will it end?  Forget this being “The Snooki Show”.  At this point in the season, Jersey Shore is now the “Snooki is Horrible” show.  Being an idiot is one thing, but when you put “idiotic” together with “mean-spirited” and “self-centered”…well, I’ll tell ya…it ain’t pretty.

——

Well, looky here…Snooki wakes up smelling of shame and humiliation once again.

Not a pretty sight

Actually, that’s not right.  She should feel these things, but it’s becoming obvious that she’s immune to the thoughts and feelings that separate humans from lower forms of life.

Because she’s convinced that the world revolves around her, she rudely wakes JWoww up at 7 am – hey, if Snooki’s up, and wants someone to keep her company, then it must be so.  She then wakes up the rest of the house with her tantrum after JWoww tells her about Mike’s continued gossiping the night before.  He still hasn’t let up on his claim that they slept together, and she’s still denying it.

Sitch tells us: “She’s like the fugitive right now…and I’m harboring information!”  It’s snippets like these that make it crystal clear that these people do actually write their own lines. Read the rest of this entry »


Just When You Thought She Couldn’t Be More Awful

October 4, 2011

The ninth episode of Jersey Shore Italy is actually “The Snooki Show” again.  It opens with Snooks waking up, wearing the same outfit from the night before and reeking of tears and humiliation.

Oh, honey. You're a mess.

She makes a beeline for the phone to try to reach her boyfriend, Jionni who *surprise* isn’t picking up.  She whines some more about how it was so unfair that he left her.  Just to recap, while clubbing in Florence with the roommates and Jionni, she lifted her skirt and gave the entire club an obscene show while dancing, featuring her “kooka” as a special guest.  According to all of the roommates, Jionni overreacted.  Personally, if my boyfriend pulled down his pants in a club and showed everyone his penis, I don’t imagine I’d be all that thrilled either, but I think my breaking up with him would be less about feeling humiliated and more about realizing that I was dating trailer park trash. Read the rest of this entry »


Snooki: What? There are consequences to my actions?

September 25, 2011

What did I tell you?  As usual, the “cliffhanger” we were fed at the end of last week’s episode of Jersey Shore Italy yields nothing of true interest.  Turns out the breathalyzer shows a 0.0 reading, and the police only take Snooki into custody because it’s taking so long for the guys to show up with her ID.  Procedure, that’s all – although, based on her histrionics, you’d think she was being jailed in some East Asian prison for a murder she didn’t commit, with no hope of parole.

The guys arrive on the scene in time to see the car being towed, and Pauly dramatically states that they are stressed out because who knows – Snooki being arrested could lead to the entire group being kicked out of Italy!  Gulp!  Um…seriously, Pauly….are you actually a 10 year-old dressed up as a grown-up?  What is wrong with you?  Are you really that idiotic?

It’s no great surprise to find out that Snooki was ordered to pay a fine and had her license taken away.  Contrary to what she tells Sammi, however, I highly doubt that she spent a nanosecond in a jail cell.

As Jionni gears up to arrive in Florence, he lets Snooki know that Roger, JWoww’s man, won’t be able to make it.  Some sniffling and weepy discussions follow and the girls decide they need to take JWoww out to get her mind off of this unspeakable tragedy.  The guys also decide to go clubbing, and engage in their bizarre version of dancing.

Apparently Snooki is still so shaken up by her horrific ordeal (and I get the feeling that the “ordeal” is not so much smashing into a police cruiser and sending a person to hospital, as it is having to spend time at a police station for the second time) that she’d rather stay home for the night.  She’s tickled when Brittany, Sitch’s standing booty call in Italy, shows up drunk and ready to hook up with Sitch.  Snooki thinks it will be the ultimate prank if she leaves Brittany in Sitch’s bed for him to find when he arrives with some other random chick.  Snooki tells us that Brittany is “such a dumb blonde”.  Yes, Snooki.  What a bimbo.  As opposed to you, the Rhodes Scholar, who just recently learned the word “continent”, but not the definition of one.  Sometimes, I feel like these people make it too easy for me.

Anyway, so Sitch brings some random chick home, and finds Brittany in his bed:

The drunk twin or the librarian...hmmm.

Read the rest of this entry »


2 Hot Messes, 1 Weird Hookup & 6 Horrified Roommates

September 20, 2011

During the latest installment of Jersey Shore Italy, the gang is excited to head off for a weekend at the beach.  They act like it’s a vacation that is badly needed.  Aren’t their lives a permanent vacation, though?

Everyone overpacks for what is little more than a day trip, strapping suitcases to the roof and so forth – and it kind of looks like the cars will run out of gas before they clear the first block.

Classy

After they arrive at the beach and check out their temporary digs, Snooki tells us that “it looks like Hawaii…so maybe it’s an island, or maybe it’s, like, on the border of, like, a continent…”  My guess is that she finally learned the word “continent” and has been dying to slip it into a conversation.

Deena remarks that she didn’t realize that there was a Caribbean island in Italy.  If it was anyone else (outside of the Shore crew, that is), I’d believe they were kidding.

Read the rest of this entry »


And the awards for self-pity and hypocrisy go to…

September 11, 2011
…the Situation and Ronnie, respectively.  I spent much of this week’s Jersey Shore Italy episode baffled by the level of self-delusion that seems to be rampant in that house.

The episode opens with Sitch on a sofa, moaning softly and staring straight ahead, with such a forlorn look on his face that he could be auditioning for  the role of Lady Guinevere in an off-Broadway stage production.

"Me have boo boo on neck."

Sitch tells us that he’s learned that he shouldn’t bang his head into walls in Italy. You know, because elsewhere, it’s perfectly commonplace to bang one’s head into walls.

The Abuser (as Ronnie shall henceforth be known) wakes Sammi up with a kiss and an apology and asks if she wants to talk.  She tells him they can talk later, which I guess, for her, is what passes for showing restraint.

We learn that almost none of the roommates have any sympathy for Sitch, because his injuries are self-inflicted.  I will say this: I do not disagree with them.  His weepy declarations of how he wants to go home do not move me.  Especially since he’s previously mentioned that he only has to wear the cervical collar for 10 days.  So, let’s face it – he has no intention of going anywhere – he just wants attention.

Ronnie provides it in the form of a tête-à-tête. Read the rest of this entry »