Bullies and Hypocrites, Jersey-Style

August 30, 2011

This past week, I was actually looking forward to seeing what our Jersey Shore team of hot messes was up to.

For the fourth episode in Italy, we pick up on the morning after Deena and Vinny played Pass The Drunk Twin, and Vinny is telling Ronnie about how Deena pulled a robbery on him.  As Vinny puts it, “Truth is, me and Deena did tag-team  a girl.  But robbing is not team work.  It’s called ‘tag-team’, not ‘tag-rob’.”  Uh-huh.  Your wit astounds me, Vinny.

Snooki is still whining about how if she loses Gianni over the lies Sitch is telling, she’ll kill him.  Thou doth protest too much, Minnie Mouse.

Who told Snooki this was a good look for her?

Deena is annoyed that the guys are all judging her for hooking up with a girl.  I agree with you, Deena – in fact, I’m waiting to see Pauly hook up with an especially pretty guy that one of you girls brings home!

The girls have decided to wear floppy hats and put on Long Island accents for Sunday dinner.   Result: Read the rest of this entry »


How Are They Making Italy Seem This Dull?

August 14, 2011

The second episode of Jersey Shore Italy takes us back to the end of the previous episode…you know, where Deena is slurping up Pauly’s face at a club, and Pauly looks like he’s having  dental surgery without anesthetics and is praying for death.

"Anyone have any Listerine handy? Or Clorox will do."

Cut to Pauly saying (in a none-too-convincing manner) that “it was fun – she’s a good kisser, I’m a good kisser…”

Pauly wants this girl like a person wants a root canal – I can see it on his face.  It has nothing to do with “feelings” or him not wanting to hurt her, like he’s saying.  But Snooki the valedictorian doesn’t see this. She and JWoww are convinced that Pauly will hook up with Deena at some point.

Pauly proceeds to flirt with other girls at the club and the other female housemates save Deena from making an ass of herself by kidnapping her when she tries to break up his antics.

In the cab on the way home, Pauly all but offers to pay Vinny to hook up with Deena when they get home.  Yup, sounds like the fires of passion are burning strong.  I’m still not altogether sure whether it’s Deena that repulses him, or just women in general. Read the rest of this entry »


When Bad Dates Happen to Nice-ish People

April 15, 2011

The other day, a girlfriend of mine was regaling me with the details of a horrific date she’d been on.  It was so horrifying that it was funny, as is typical of a bad date – as long as you don’t take yourself too seriously, which we most certainly don’t.  We always suspect that karma is sending us presents for some of the mischief we get into.

“Definitely my worst date EVER,” my friend said, decisively.

“Well,” I giggled, as I involuntarily spewed part of my martini out through my nose.  “At least you got a great anecdote out of it!”

My girlfriends and I love to discuss, in painstaking detail, all drama that has ensued as a result of our dating disasters.  Sometimes on a date, I’ve actually felt myself waiting impatiently for the end to come, just so that I could speed-dial whoever and recount the gory details.  I’ve traditionally been greeted by disturbed gasps, followed closely by hysterical laughter.

While my friend and I discussed her disappointing rendez-vous, I started thinking back to some of my all-time greatest dating stories, and realized that some of the worst are also the most riveting – and by “riveting”, I mean “a disturbing and entertaining blend of horrifying and hilarious”. Read the rest of this entry »