Three Ways to Fast-track Emotional Intimacy

February 18, 2017

In my personal experience, there are a few situations that always end up advancing relationships. Three things in particular come to mind when I think of notable moments with friends, family or love interests.

Fire or candlelight: I am all about a nice roaring fire or some strategically placed candlelight. There is just something about the amber hues and the warmth of the flames that make a situation conducive to confiding or just good ol’ cuddling. Even solo, I could sit and watch a fire all night, and just get lost in it. Pair it with someone I am fond of, and there’s a whole other layer. Something about the coziness makes the situation foolproof for bonding.

Late night conversations: if you want to get closer to someone, platonic or otherwise, I’d recommend a late phone convo. Whenever I find myself hanging out with someone well after midnight for an extended period, chances are good that I will emerge from that hangout closer to the person than when I went in. The same is true for late night phone conversations…although I know most of you don’t engage in phone convos these days. You should, though. Something about a lazy and relaxed discussion with someone you care about, but with a phone line between you to eliminate any in-person pressure to physically react a certain way, makes the interaction easy going. And induces an intimacy that would not come so easily otherwise. Suddenly, you’re telling things you didn’t think you would, and learning things about the other person that you never thought you would.

Road trip: whether by car or bus or train, this is one of my favourite ways to connect with someone. Being on the open road just gives you a sense of connection akin to if you were the last people on Earth. Being confined to a vehicle with people just gives you a sense of togetherness you can’t deny. If you already like that person, and assuming you are emotionally compatible with them, you will probably emerge from that vehicle feeling more affection for them, and likewise, they will love you more.

At least this has been my experience with emotional intimacy. Share yours! 😏

 


Why Can’t I Be the Bigger Person?

February 2, 2017

I find it so difficult to smile and nod when someone is being an asshole. I used to be such a ray of sunshine when I was a fresh faced 18 year old. Even when I was face to face with someone’s obnoxiousness, I usually didn’t care because I could “rise above” it.

Now, I’m practically incapable of letting that kind of behaviour go, and I have no regrets. But it would be nice to be able to bite my tongue and sidestep confrontations at times. I am still fully capable of ignoring a sticky situation – I just have to spend an inordinate amount of time convincing myself to do so.

These days, this inner dialogue is a daily thing. Even with family. But I still have no special patience for crap, even from family members.

I just have so little tolerance for idiots, these days. Anyone else?!


Losing bonds

January 30, 2017

One of my personal policies is to not bring mutual friends into a conflict or issue I ever have with another pal.

I am starting to feel like I’ve basically set myself up to allow  toxic people to trample over me.

It’s pretty much a given, in the long term, that I lose friends who were mutually connected to a toxic person I cut ties with.

I am eternally blessed/cursed with the ability to see through people’s bullshit long before others do. We’re talking years and YEARS beforehand.

My personal ethics are such that I refuse to trash talk anyone to a mutual contact for personal gain. Most toxic types have no such policy, so I quickly catch wind that I’ve been not only talked about, but slandered too.

I think my main reason for letting the mutual friends go is that if it’s so easy for them to accept and believe outlandish crap fed to them by the toxic friend – without even approaching me or investigating for themselves – they were never really worth my friendship to begin with, were they?  This reality has dealt me some horrible blows, but it’s honestly the general rule.

As far as I’m concerned, if the price of dropping a toxic person means dropping people who choose to buy into the toxic person’s narrative, then it’s a price well worth paying for my sanity and overall well-being.

Brutal but true. Good luck to you if you’ve chosen to pander to  a toxic bitch, because it won’t end well. Cheers! 🍷😒

 

 


Epiphanies

January 24, 2017

Today is the birthday of one of my closest friends. While reflecting on her presence in my life (we’ve been friends forever), it occurred to me that there’s a very small pool of friends from my distant past with whom I have maintained the same level of closeness.

Thank goodness for those friends who don’t change post-marriage, who don’t skip a beat even if you go months without talking, who always remain a constant to you even after becoming parents, who listen when you’re going through something, who forever appreciate and love you for being you. They are rare gems and I have so much appreciation for them, the birthday girl being at the top of the list.

Cheers! 🍷🍷


What Not to Tell Your Friends

January 20, 2017

A little tip: don’t ever tell your close friends something about your significant other that you don’t want them to remember.

I have followed this rule religiously myself for my whole adult life, because I hate the idea of a friend of mine harbouring resentment toward something a boyfriend has done, when I’m over it. And maybe (to be truly honest) I want to avoid friends’ judgment for something I’m already judging the guy for. Not something I’m proud to admit.

I myself have a virtual treasure trove of knowledge on partners of friends, and let me tell you: I have never, ever forgotten these tidbits, even after all was forgiven between them.

One of my married friends has no idea how much I loathe her husband. Because I would like to maintain a positive relationship with her, I exclusively show cordial respect towards him (not that he shows the same respect back but whatever) even though I’d like to drop kick his fucking head into oblivion. I know she’s not leaving him, so I keep my mouth shut, but I hate the hell out of this douchenozzle.

Take it from me, your friends not only remember the bad stuff, they hold the grudge you’re not holding. I am famously way more protective of my friends than I am of myself. So either keep it to yourself, or just know that your friend is silently judging your partner if he/she has committed any egregious acts that your friend is privy to.

 


Time Travel & the Former Self

January 18, 2017

Ever wanted to go back in time and counsel your younger self? Same here. Mostly not to take any shit from anyone.

These are some of the ways in which I would help out baby Precious….

1.  About those guys I politely declined for dates. The ones I’d been friends with previously, and then, after I gave the the “thank you for the offer, but no thank you” response, treated me like actual trash…I would tell my younger self to verbally eviscerate these trash bags, and to forget about trying to be likeable and trying to save these idiots’ egos. I remember one guy in particular, who did his best to make me feel inadequate just because I’d said no (which I said while apologizing for my “no”, which – wtf). I wish I’d just told him no and then laughed at his subsequent meanness. Just to make sure he knew how fucking idiotic he was for his behaviour.

2. I wish I’d recognized the ways in which certain girls were edging me out of friendship circles, and I wish I’d just walked away, instead of sticking around and letting these girls treat me like a  2nd class citizen.

3. I wish I’d listened to my instinct when I wasn’t sure I wanted to include this one crazy bitch in my friends’ weekly happy hour event. Including her meant having to spend over a decade trying to shake this bitch off. Swear to god. Anyway, I’d tell my younger self to be more ruthless and just “do you”.

4. I wish I’d immediately told that one boyfriend I wasn’t into long term relationships when he passive-aggressively guilted me into a long term relationship. I wish I’d understood that I was within my right to be flaky and drop this dude (who ended up being a jerk anyway).


Couple Goals

January 17, 2017

In my twenties, I indiscriminately included certain friends in my “couple goals” category. My standards were pretty non-existent, to be frank. Criteria included “look cute together” and “they show up to things together”…those days are long over. These days, I’m removing names more than I’m adding them. Now that I have a better grasp on life, more insight into myself, and a better understanding of mutual respect between men and women, as well as my ideal when it comes to the couple dynamic (hint: there must be lots of laughter), I literally can’t imagine settling for a lesser partner now.

I literally can’t come up with one straight couple I know whom I would classify as “goals”…sadly, I am dead serious. (What chance do I have, then???!?!?!)

I know several gay couples who have been together for well over a decade and who are still exemplar. Others are bullshitting their way through, yes.

But for the most part, I know more gay couples who have stayed the course over the last decade – and actually continued to love each other – than straight couples.

I continue to be baffled by people who want to trash gays when gays literally have a better track record than said people when it comes to a decent… well, a decent lifetime in general. 💕