Time Travel & the Former Self

January 18, 2017

Ever wanted to go back in time and counsel your younger self? Same here. Mostly not to take any shit from anyone.

These are some of the ways in which I would help out baby Precious….

1.  About those guys I politely declined for dates. The ones I’d been friends with previously, and then, after I gave the the “thank you for the offer, but no thank you” response, treated me like actual trash…I would tell my younger self to verbally eviscerate these trash bags, and to forget about trying to be likeable and trying to save these idiots’ egos. I remember one guy in particular, who did his best to make me feel inadequate just because I’d said no (which I said while apologizing for my “no”, which – wtf). I wish I’d just told him no and then laughed at his subsequent meanness. Just to make sure he knew how fucking idiotic he was for his behaviour.

2. I wish I’d recognized the ways in which certain girls were edging me out of friendship circles, and I wish I’d just walked away, instead of sticking around and letting these girls treat me like a  2nd class citizen.

3. I wish I’d listened to my instinct when I wasn’t sure I wanted to include this one crazy bitch in my friends’ weekly happy hour event. Including her meant having to spend over a decade trying to shake this bitch off. Swear to god. Anyway, I’d tell my younger self to be more ruthless and just “do you”.

4. I wish I’d immediately told that one boyfriend I wasn’t into long term relationships when he passive-aggressively guilted me into a long term relationship. I wish I’d understood that I was within my right to be flaky and drop this dude (who ended up being a jerk anyway).


Age-Old Question: Can Men and Women Maintain Platonic Relationships?

January 7, 2017

I live in a big city, so I walk a lot. The other day, I overheard a conversation between two guys who were walking a few paces behind me.  They were discussing some sort of conundrum that one of the men was facing.  It had something to do with his desire to change his relationship status with a female friend from “platonic” to “romantic”.  I hadn’t been paying a whole lot of attention to their discussion until I heard Conundrum Guy say “Anyway, I told her that I cherish the friendship.”

Call me a cynic or whatever you will, but this line was enough to have me laughing on the inside – I didn’t want to collapse in hysterics right there on the street, shocking and wounding Conundrum Guy.  It’s obvious to me, however, that this guy is letting his crush believe that he values her friendship above all else, when, really, he just plans to hover in the hopes that she will eventually give in and see him as more than just a pal. Read the rest of this entry »

No Idea Why Abercrombie & Fitch is Concerned…Really. No Idea.

August 20, 2011

I started off watching this week’s Jersey Shore episode with a song in my heart.  This had much to do with my amusement regarding Abercrombie & Fitch’s statement released earlier in the week saying that they had asked Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to please stop wearing their clothes, that they’d be happy to pay him and the rest of the cast to refrain from being free advertising for them.  Gold, I tell you.  I don’t care what their motivation is, be it a marketing ploy or sincere concern for their brand image.  The move was so deliciously cheeky that I might just look into A&F clothes even though I’ve never shopped there before.

As this week’s episode begins, The Situation himself is finishing up his second booty call with the same idiotic girl he unceremoniously kicked out the last time.  He unceremoniously kicks her out again.

As chivalrous as ever.

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Anatomy of the “We” Monster

July 27, 2011

Have you ever noticed that certain people completely lose the “I” in their lives when they become part of a couple?

“We” monster: formerly cool friend who undergoes an unfortunate metamorphosis whenever he or she embarks upon a romantic relationship.

Chances are good that you either know a “we” monster, are guilty of being a “we” monster, or both. I have personally been commended by more than a few friends for Precious-in-a-Relationship’s striking resemblance to Single-Precious, so I’ve earned the right to be smug and condescending towards these creatures.  If you’re at all familiar with these people, you can agree that they have it coming.

You’ve known your pal forever.  Together, you’ve laughed your way in and out of dozens of relationship adventures, and up until now you thought of this person as a reliable confidant(e) and maybe even a partner-in-crime.  You feel like you know this person pretty well.

Then your friend finds herself (let’s assume it’s a female friend for our purposes, although guys are equally as likely to undergo this ugly transformation) in a relationship that is more functional, at first glance, than any of her past attempts at coupling up.

At first, you’re thrilled for her and look forward to the juicy tidbits she’ll no doubt be imparting as she and her new beau fall for each other.  You naturally expect her to be less available as she’ll be busy running through a meadow picking flowers and gazing longingly at her new love – or something to that effect (read: doing it like rabbits) – but you still figure that, as your friend, and as a civilized human being, she will continue to be a bright, positive force in your life.  So you’re absolutely not ready for what comes next.

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When Bad Dates Happen to Nice-ish People

April 15, 2011

The other day, a girlfriend of mine was regaling me with the details of a horrific date she’d been on.  It was so horrifying that it was funny, as is typical of a bad date – as long as you don’t take yourself too seriously, which we most certainly don’t.  We always suspect that karma is sending us presents for some of the mischief we get into.

“Definitely my worst date EVER,” my friend said, decisively.

“Well,” I giggled, as I involuntarily spewed part of my martini out through my nose.  “At least you got a great anecdote out of it!”

My girlfriends and I love to discuss, in painstaking detail, all drama that has ensued as a result of our dating disasters.  Sometimes on a date, I’ve actually felt myself waiting impatiently for the end to come, just so that I could speed-dial whoever and recount the gory details.  I’ve traditionally been greeted by disturbed gasps, followed closely by hysterical laughter.

While my friend and I discussed her disappointing rendez-vous, I started thinking back to some of my all-time greatest dating stories, and realized that some of the worst are also the most riveting – and by “riveting”, I mean “a disturbing and entertaining blend of horrifying and hilarious”. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Forced Affection Day!

February 14, 2011

I love ‘love’.  As in, I love the act of love; I love the feeling of love.

I really do.  I’m a loving person who loves to love, and who loves to be loved.  My definition of love, however, doesn’t include getting all worked up with materialistic expectations and participating in choreographed displays of affection one day a year, just because the greeting card industry tells me to.

It’s funny – until I was about twelve, it didn’t even register that Valentine’s Day was largely meant for couples.  My parents used to give me cutesy cards, chocolates in pink, heart-shaped boxes, and other gifts that little girls go berserk over, like plush toys and the like.  I assumed it was about all types of love, not just romantic love.  At the age of twelve, I had my first real crush, and my friends and I delighted in distributing our Valentines to boys in our class, and gossiped incessantly about who we thought liked who (what a simple, gleeful time that was, compared to what we would experience not ten years later, when boys became “complicated”).

The first time Valentine’s Day came around while I was actually in a relationship (because how many times have some of us broken up with someone right before the blasted holiday) was – well, it probably wasn’t bad by most people’s standards – but then I’m not most people.  I think I realized, right then, that I had little to no respect for the “holiday”, even resented it for placing so much pressure on people to feel like they need to participate in it. Read the rest of this entry »

In Defense of the Metrosexual

February 6, 2011

I love me a pretty man.

In fact, I have a long, scrumptious history of surrounding myself with beautiful men, and that’s not even counting the gays.  From the get-go, my taste in boys has tended towards guys who seem to not only have naturally good looks, but also harbor the talent to dress well and the predisposition to make special efforts in taking care of themselves.  And, um…no, Jersey Shore girls, this does not include “juicehead gorillas” – I will leave those gems for you.

I appreciate a guy whose parents have blessed him with fabulous cheek bones or piercing eyes or kissable lips – but being pretty is about more than just your inherited good looks.  Metrosexuals know this.  They go out of their way to purchase products that help keep their skin healthy, they pay special attention to what’s hot for men in the current fashion season, and they generally show at least a modicum of interest with respect to how they present themselves to the world.

More often than I’d care to, I’ve heard men denounce metrosexuals as “closeted dudes”.  Just as often, I’ve heard women speak of how they prefer their men to be “a guy’s guy” and how metrosexuals are supposedly not their type.

I’m totally into the idea of each woman having her own type – and thank heavens that not every woman is into the Pretty Man, because, let’s face it, that’s a few less women we metrosexual lovers need to fight off in the zoo known as the dating world.  But honestly, I have to say: I think these people are completely full of shit. Read the rest of this entry »