That Love Aesthetic

I was listening to some music, and this timeless song came on:

I was listening to the lyrics – like, really listening (which, honestly, I don’t necessarily do often when listening to my tunes) – and I was transported back to the times when I’ve felt this way.

“I still really, really love you. Love is stronger than pride.”

That line killed me because I have been there. What a gorgeous, yet excruciating feeling love can be.

I’m the most prideful person I know, and yet my pride couldn’t protect me from that almost debilitating feeling you get when you’re madly in love…that strange euphoria you feel unrelentingly… even the masochistic version you feel after the object of your affection has disappointed or hurt you.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), I feel like the emotional transformation I’ve been through over the last year or so has kept me from letting myself feel that way again. I’ve dissected every one of my past relationships and come out on the other end with a new disdain for some guys, and a new appreciation for others. But most notably, I feel more cut-throat in a Queen of Hearts kind of way. I fear that I don’t currently possess the chip that would allow me to fall truly, madly, deeply.

Maybe that will change. I hope so. I hope I can get back to that heart-beating-out-my-chest, thrills-before-common-sense feeling, at some point.

It’s hard, because I don’t have any desire to experience that crippling heart-wrenching pain of heartbreak ever again. But on the other hand…that feeling when you love someone more than you can handle…whoa. That’s when you’re really living.

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