I’m not your typical girl. Never have been. Not only am I okay with this, I’m proud of it. It’s what makes me who I am, and those who love me are particularly taken with that aspect of me.
I wouldn’t say I’m a tomboy, but I’m also not a total girly girl. Let’s put it this way, hanging out with any all-female group of more than 4 or 5 women for an extended period (like, say…an hour) sort of makes me break out in hives. I find the viral videos “Shit Girls Say” somewhat humorous, but usually watch them with a blank look on my face because I personally don’t relate. Interestingly, though, if ever I were to need back-up in a frightening confrontation, I would most likely want my sassiest female friends with me, as opposed to any of the guys I’m friends with – and that includes the vast majority of all the guys I’ve ever dated. This is because I tend to become friends with girls who have a mindset similar to mine – i.e. girls who are comfortable with their sexiness, exude intelligence and confidence – and, due to their strong opinions, can verbally shut someone down instantaneously.
When it comes to men, said mindset sometimes works to my advantage and makes me feel like I have magical powers. And sometimes, it bites me in the ass.
Based on past and recent encounters with a wide array of men (as well as extended conversations with those like-minded female friends of mine), it’s become clear to me that there is a whole category of guys in my current city who just aren’t worthy, because they just don’t know what do with me.
Five Men Who Cannot Handle The Likes of Me:
1. The guy who can’t take a flirtatious compliment without assuming I am planning our wedding. I’m originally from a flirty city where women are generally shown overt appreciation from men, and where women are expected to flirt back, no pressure, no strings. So if I like the way a guy dresses or think he was blessed with stunning eyes, it actually goes against my instinct not to say something to him. Even if he’s just the stranger standing on the mall escalator in front of me. Unfortunately, there is always that guy who gets the deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes when he should just be saying “thank you”. Dude, calm down. I’m just being nice. In fact, 9 times out of 10, I probably wouldn’t even date you. Hell, maybe I’m just happy that it’s Friday and I’m throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.
2. The guy who gets nervous when I’m standing my ground in an argument with someone who is clearly an asshole. Mr. Nervous can be a friend or a romantic partner (I’ve dealt with both scenarios). He almost always concedes (after the fact) that the person I was arguing with was indeed an asshole. And yet, he immediately shows signs of distress when the argument (that he’s not involved in, mind you) seems to be intensifying. So what if I’ve decided to call the emperor out and tell him he has no clothes on? I am not looking for anyone to back me up in an argument – if you’re not interested in joining in the debate, just let me deal with it myself, because I am happy to stand my ground solo. Do not, under any circumstances, undermine me when I’m verbally sparring with someone who is clearly being disrespectful, all for the sake of your precious nerves. A former male friend of mine once tried to step in, without even knowing what was going on, when I physically had to protect my BFF from some crazy busboy at a club. The busboy was lunging at her and hurling misogynistic obscenities. Our so-called friend did not back us up – instead he got nervous that maybe he’d have to fight the busboy for us (Hello? Never asked him to, didn’t expect him to, wouldn’t have let him) and ended up portraying me as an overactive female, in front of the aggressor. Guys, NEVER do that, if you ever, EVER hope to hear from me again. Ask my “friend” how that all worked out for him.
3. The boyfriend who assumes I don’t care because I’m not charting his every move and making every second conversation an inquest into where he’s been and where he’s going. This one has bitten me in the ass countless times. I’m not a jealous person, and unless you give me a reason not to trust you, I couldn’t care less who just texted you, or how you spent every single minute of the evening we spent apart. It’s not that I’m not interested if you want to tell me what you’ve been up to – but just because I don’t search through your drawers, check your phone to see who you called last, or stage a tantrum because you don’t want to spend every waking moment with me, does not mean that I don’t care. I can’t tell you how many guys have accused me of not caring about them for reasons like these. I couldn’t be that girl even if I tried. If you need me to make an ass of myself to feel like you mean something to me….well, I think we’re done here.
4. The boyfriend who insists on charting MY every move and making every second conversation an inquest into where I’ve been and where I’m going. This guy is worse than the previous guy. I am independent, almost to a fault according to some, and I don’t handle interrogations well. I also can’t stand when a guy tags along with me and my friends when it’s clearly just to keep an eye on me. Just FYI: that’s when the little devil on Precious’ shoulder takes over and she may or may not defiantly start doing things she wouldn’t normally do in front of you, just to piss you off. Okay, so maybe I don’t always make the best decisions. I admit it. But the moral of the story, boys, is don’t crowd me.
5. The sad little man who thinks if I don’t find a joke he told side-splittingly funny, I must not have gotten it. This particular guy is convinced that he is a born comedian – and he usually is anything but. He’ll repeat the joke 8 times and keep saying “Get it?” (just like people who like to make puns. GRRR). When I finally make it clear that I got it, there’s sulking and plenty of it. The funny thing is, I’m always polite enough to bestow one of my winning smiles on this guy – maybe even a quick giggle. But I like to save my fall-off-my-chair-and-collapse-into-tears-of-laughter for guys who are actually hilarious – and frankly, faking interest and/or amusement in any situation is exhausting. I guess it’s easier to tell yourself that I’m a bitch, than to consider that maybe you just aren’t that clever.
Now, let’s be realistic – I can be a handful – I get that – and there’s much more to me than I could ever cover in a single post – but wow. There are some messed up men in this city. Kudos to the boys who can handle me – you should come out more often 😉