The final episode of Jersey Shore Italy crept up on me while I wasn’t looking. It’s bittersweet because although it was the last week I had to sit and watch horrible Snooki and her hateful antics, I have thoroughly enjoyed this exercise in television writing. Here, a week late (sorry!), is my last recap of this hot mess.
Picking up from last week’s episode where Sitch left the club to sulk after no one would pay him any mind, we are witness to him talking to himself. He is slurring about how if anyone messes with him, he’ll take them down, and we get to see him practice his famous brand of karate moves again:
Every time he does this, it’s clear that he’s never taken a martial arts class in his life.
Shortly afterward, the rest of the troupe returns, and Ronnie, who apparently still thinks he’s Oprah, sits down with Sitch and has a “tough love” talk with him. He informs him that if he can’t get along with the housemates, he has got to go. Sitch is half incredulous, half amused, but still 100% self-pitying.
Sammi and Ronnie decide they need to “get their smoosh on” and head into the “smoosh” room for privacy. The prepubescent duo, a.k.a Pauly and Vinny, have a lot of fun commenting on how little time it took the horny couple to do the deed. It’s not lost on me that the only sex Vinny’s had in Italy was with a garden gnome, and the only sex Pauly’s been offered in Italy was with a girl he is clearly repulsed by. I’m sure they can hardly wait to get back to the Shore, land of the drunken, stupid women who will actually allow these guys within 10 feet of them.
Sitch calls his sister to whine about how the other kids won’t play with him. It’s weird for me to listen to their interaction because most guys with sisters have a certain je ne sais quoi that guys without strong female peer influence lack – and in keeping with this principle, he actually comes off as decent while talking to her. It’s obviously some sort of audio illusion, though, so I’m not moved.
During the next club night, Snooki and Deena see an inebriated girl chair-dancing and assume that’s what they look like when they’re smashed. Yes, girls – the only difference is that this girl is not screaming belligerently and she does not resemble a washed up stripper. And not to be bitchy, but I won’t lie, meatballs – where I come from, you would get laughed out of town with your so-called “dance moves”.
Pauly finally finds a girl who’s willing to go home with him. In a completely – ahem – unrelated incident, she ends up being too smashed to make it.
The next day, the gang heads over to the pizzeria where they’ve been “working” to lavish Marco, the owner with mementos of themselves for his in-store clothesline.
Apparently it’s tradition for people to gift the restaurant with a piece of clothing to remember them by. I’m not clear on what it is that Deena wants Marco to remember when he looks at her lace thong.
Ditto for Snooki and her animal print bra. It’s getting so that I can’t even seal a trash bag without thinking of them.
At the end of their visit, Marco says “I love you guys!” More likely that he loves the check MTV wrote him to let these characters pollute his business space for a few months.
Ronnie tells us that, now that they’re leaving Italy, they’re done with the pasta, pizza and wine. The group decides to have a traditional American supper, which apparently consists of barbecued hot-dogs and burgers.
Over dinner, they talk about how they’re all dying to leave Italy and go home to Jersey. Dudes, I’m pretty sure that most of Florence can’t wait for you to be gone, either. No one will be lying on the ground clinging to your ankles as you try to board the plane.
They discuss what they want to do the following day. Since they haven’t done any sightseeing, they decide that they’ll spend a few hours doing that before they hit a club again.
All I want to know is, who the hell spends three months in gorgeous Italy, and doesn’t think to sightsee until the very last day? Does. Not. Compute.
They finish up with dinner and the girls start cleaning up. Vinnie says: “Seeing Nicole cleaning is like seeing Mike with a condom. It just doesn’t happen.” The implications contained within this statement are too terrifying to even contemplate, so let’s not.
The following morning, as the group prepares to head out on the sightseeing tour, Snooki tells us how much she’s dreading this – it’s such an imposition that she’s being forced to actually explore the beautiful locale where she has been holed up for three months. Someone disable this chick’s vocal chords, now.
When they arrive at the spot where their guide is waiting, Ronnie tells us, “We see this chubby, little, round potato guy holding an American flag.” My first thought is that Ron has caught a reflection of himself in some glass. But no – he’s describing their actual tour guide.
I immediately wonder if their guide has some kind of obsession with the Blues Brothers, because it looks like he’s paying tribute to them, minus the shades.
As the tour begins, we hear from a few of the housemates with respect to how much they hate walking, they hate the weather, they hate everything. The whining, of course, mainly comes from Snooki. I don’t think this bitch should ever leave Jersey again. She doesn’t deserve to travel.
When they come upon the Statue of David, Snooki tells us that if she could change the Statue of David – that’s right – she said “change the Statue of David” – she would “legit, make him look like a guido”, spray tan and all. God, I hate this person.
As they are visiting a site where Cupid is painted on the ceiling, Snooki interrupts the guide to ask if the babies with wings are real. I am endlessly amused by his diplomatic “What do you mean? They are characters of mythology.” response. Unfortunately, this probably just left Snooki wondering what mythology is.
I also love the fact that Vinny clearly wants to laugh when this exchange goes down.
It’s clear that Pauly and Deena thought that Snooki’s question was perfectly reasonable. If only MTV had thought to air a moment with Vinny in the soundbite room after this moment, trashing them, because that would be gold. I’d even deduct a few momma’s boy points to see that.
All this time, it seems that Sitch is either sulking or disinterested. Either way, I’m disinterested in what his deal is.
They eventually sit down at some restaurant patio, and Sitch proceeds to haul out his slick version of apologies (presumably because no one has fallen for his antics so far, and he wants to be welcomed back to the house at the Shore):
Snooki and Deena barely contain their disdain, and JWoww is having an affair with her milkshake or whatever it is. So far, Sitch, I’d say your case is weak.
Much later, after a night out, Snooki tells us that she and Deena have decided to “do something crazy” for their last night, and put all the plants in the house on the kitchen table.
DULL, DULL, DULL. Will you be crocheting for your next trick, girls?
The morning after, Snooki sets to work waking everyone up, and as an incentive, screams about how they can drink “mamosas” to celebrate. Never had a “mamosa”, but maybe while she’s at it, she can have a mimosa with breakfast too.
Sitch makes everyone a suck-up breakfast, during which he tells the crew that it was touch and go for a while there, but he has decided that he will, in fact, be returning to the Shore house. The crew doesn’t look all that thrilled.
Snooki proceeds to tell us about how life in Florence hasn’t been “real life” because (among other things) Vinnie and Pauly haven’t been bringing girls home. This amuses me to no end. It’s obviously lost on the crew that their brand of “coolness” was not a hit in Italy.
Vinny tells us that his mother might be disappointed that he’s not bringing back a “real, authentic Italian wife”…I guess this means that she will move in with Vinny (if she doesn’t already live with him) to make sure she can hover over him, spoon feed him, and lay out his clothes every day. Ughhh.
The aftershow yields the following information:
1. Team Meatball has amped up the tacky quotient since returning to the States, and they look like they’re ready to film a parody of Dynasty.
2. Snooki still thinks “stupid” is charming.
3. Vinny admits that the girls they met in Italy seemed to have morals and self-respect – unlike the girls he’s used to.
4. Pauly continues to let Deena believe that he’s abstaining from sex with her to protect their friendship, not because he’s repulsed by her. Deena continues to buy it.
5. Snooki is more horrible than ever. She might actually be the devil.
6. When Snooki and Deena go into Team Meatball mode, the other members of their crew want to kill themselves.
7. Pauly and Vinny continue to joke about their “bromance”, which is oddly charming. About ten thousand times more charming than Team Meatball.
Now, if Pauly and Vinny were to come out as lovers in time for the next season…I might actually consider watching again. But let’s not lose our heads. That’s not going to happen. There’s a better chance of the Situation winning a physical fight in this lifetime.