Meatball Madness & Other Catastrophes

Week 11 at the Shore manse in Italy picks up where we left off, with Snooki the Terrible telling her boyfriend Jionni that she did, in fact, have sex with Vinny the other night.  He tells her he’s devastated and gets all emotional – communicating in a way that is more articulate than Snooki is probably able to understand.  She just knows the news is not good.  I can’t help but notice that during an argument, he and Ronnie are night and day.  Jionni talks about how Snooki has made him feel and tries to show her the issues from his perspective.  Ronnie shoves Sammi, beats his chest, and spews verbal abuse. Amazingly, the rest of the crew never bats an eye when Ronnie behaves like a bully, and yet they all thought Jionni was a jerk because he “should have known how Snooki is”, so apparently everything was his own fault.  I ask myself, not for the first time, why Jionni has associated himself in any way with the likes of these people.

Deena, once again, tries to convince Pauly to “do sex” with her.  I still do not understand, for the LIFE of me, why this girl hasn’t clued into the fact that this guy would rather have his head dipped into a vat of hot wax than have sex with her.  HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. YOU.  Good lord, get a clue, and stop humiliating yourself.

While Deena plans to cap the night by sleeping with Pauly, Pauly is telling us that he needs to make sure he brings a girl home from the club so that the spot in his bed is occupied.  I’m not optimistic that he can make that happen, unless they find a spot filled with drunken Americans wanting to make their television debut in his bed with a camera and a black light pointing at them.  Because, in case you haven’t noticed, these guys have yet to score with an Italian girl.

Turns out, they do meet English-speaking girls, presumably from somewhere in North America.  One of them touches the sculpture on Pauly’s head and he pretty much freaks out on her.  So…no go with this one.

By the time Sammi and Ronnie decide to leave the club, Pauly still hasn’t found a girl he can bring home to save him from what he clearly sees as certain doom.  As they leave, Ronnie jokingly warns Pauly that he doesn’t want Pauly hooking up with Deena.  Pauly looks at him as though he’s just suggested that Pauly find a rabid dog and have sex with it.

"Are you on crack?"

Yup, Deena.  That is certainly the facial expression of a guy who wants you, but doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. Sure.

Pauly, Vinny and Deena barely make it into the taxi before she starts propositioning him again.  This has moved past embarrassing, and is starting to get creepy.  The whole way home, she harasses him, and he tries to talk his way out of it without coming out and telling her that he’s repulsed by her.  He even throws in a “joke” about how after he f**ked Vinny, it’s never been the same.  Mm-hmm, Pauly.  Do go on.

Deena: "Please f**k me. I have no shame." Viewers: "But you should, Deena. You should."

Once at home, she doesn’t let up, and when she starts to give a sales pitch, in front of the other roommates, about how good a lay she is, Sammi and Vinny loudly protest in horror.  Even they are cringing, at this point.  Vinny tells us that the real reason Pauly doesn’t want to sleep with Deena is that he doesn’t like her.  Of course, knowing that this will be aired, he’s diplomatic and says “Pauly doesn’t like meatballs” – but it’s all he can do to keep himself from putting air quotes around the word “meatballs”.

Pauly tells the crew that if she wasn’t his friend, he would’ve f**ked her by now.  Uh-huh, uh-huh.  Let me tell you something.  I grew up with brothers, no sisters.  I’ve dated extensively.  I’ve had mostly male friends (straight and gay) in my lifetime.  I can say, with certainty, that 99.9 % of single straight males will NOT, under any circumstances, reject the repeated advances of a female they are attracted to.  So Deena, honey…your prospects are grim.

Team Meatball, a.k.a. Snooki and Deena, go out to their regular Florence haunt, Astor, to make asses of themselves.  Judging from Snooki’s outfit, this Minnie Mouse look Snooki has been sporting has actually been intentional.

What in hell...?

Horrified local, or horrified tourist? Does it matter?

The crew prepares for another Saturday night in Italy.  I am shocked with a capital S to see a few of the guys dress up in something other than muscle shirts and sneakers.

Unfortunately, Deena has not let up on her campaign to get into Pauly’s pants, and climbs onto his lap.

Deena climbs onto Pauly's lap, and Snooki dons the Minnie Mouse bow, AGAIN

Pauly educates us viewers: “Guido problems are, like, problems that guidos run into.” Thank you so much, Pauly – I don’t think I could ever have deduced that just from the term guido problems.

At the club, Deena and Snooki continue to enjoy their idea of a meatball outing:



Then some kind of kerfuffle breaks out with half the guys in the club exchanging fighting words with the Situation, including, but not limited to “piece of shit” and “shame” in Italian. It becomes clear that they’re making fun of the Shore crew, which enrages the guys.  Their heads must be pretty far up their own asses if this type of thing comes as a shock to them.  I guess when half the people at a venue are laughing , they usually assume it’s with them, not at them.  The only thing that astounds me is that it took 11 weeks for this to happen.

Sitch shouts menacingly at what can almost be described as angry villagers (“I’ll eat you!”), and given his last altercation, I’m left wondering if, for his next trick, he’ll put his own head through a glass wall.

On the way home, Snooks and Deena decide to hop out of the taxi and continue their meatball party at a second club, called Central.  It’s not long before things get out of hand there too.

Here we go.

Snooki tells some guy to stop screaming in her ear because it’s, like, annoying. Well, Snooki, now you know how everyone around you feels, like, all the time.

Soon, Deena realizes that they are being made fun of (shocker!), and Part 2 of their evening begins to go south.  They even get into it with the bartender, and end up getting hauled out by bouncers.

Removing Snooki and her kooka from the club.

Does anyone else sometimes wish they could be a fly on the wall of the camera crew members’ minds at times like this?

The meatballs arrive at the house, and tell their story to the others, using their outside voices.  The others aren’t moved, and appear to be happy when Deena and Snooki take their belligerence party to the hot tub.

When the sun comes up, the meatballs, sans sleep, decide to get dressed up and go out again…to do what, exactly, is not clear.

Deena: “We’re Jersey – you wish you looked like this at 7:30 in the morning.”

Um, no.  No, I don’t, Deena.

Team Meatball finally stumbles home to get some sleep.  Hopefully, this means less screen time for them for the remainder of the episode.

Ron and Sam go grocery shopping, and I’m still in awe that this latest reunion has lasted this long.  I do believe it’s mostly due to the fact that they’ve been hanging out less with each other and more with the other roommates…so we’ll just have to see how long this lasts.

Next up on the hot mess menu: Sitch starts shooting his mouth off to Deena and yet another scene is started.  Clearly, Sitch’s quest to be the king of pushing people’s buttons is on track.

There’s a brief moment of peace at dinner, but then some petty argument about sleeping arrangements back at the house in Jersey leads the conversation to devolve into something I’m unable to pay attention to.  This devolves further into a big thing about how no one like Sitch.  He thinks his roommates gang up on him because he is independent.  Right.  It has nothing to do with the fact that he lives to stir up shit and gossip.  Poor, misunderstood Sitch.

Then, for no apparent reason, this happens:

Vinny and Pauly lie in bed together and taunt Deena by unwrapping a condom.  I’ve actually never been more convinced that Pauly’s straight, because usually, closeted folk make a big thing about being homophobic, and straight guys who are comfy with their sexuality tend to joke comfortably about being romantic with their buddies.  Then again, I’ve also known closeted gay men to take advantage of a “pretend” gay scenario, and maximize the “joke”.  So the jury is still out.

Next up: the gang goes out to some club called Yab, and because although everyone is having a good time, Sitch finds a reason to feel stiffed and a way to get into an altercation.  No one steps up to fight the unnecessary battle he tries to orchestrate, so he goes home to sulk.  I’m pretty sure no one notices he’s gone.  The episode ends with a shot of him feeling sorry for himself:


Next week, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the whole crew being chased out of town by more angry villagers – this time, brandishing sticks and torches.  I also wouldn’t blink if, upon hearing Sitch screaming about how he’ll eat them, the villagers backed down and ran in the opposite direction, fearing a vicious cunnilingus attack.


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