Snooki the Terrible, Part Three

When will it end?  Forget this being “The Snooki Show”.  At this point in the season, Jersey Shore is now the “Snooki is Horrible” show.  Being an idiot is one thing, but when you put “idiotic” together with “mean-spirited” and “self-centered”…well, I’ll tell ya…it ain’t pretty.

——

Well, looky here…Snooki wakes up smelling of shame and humiliation once again.

Not a pretty sight

Actually, that’s not right.  She should feel these things, but it’s becoming obvious that she’s immune to the thoughts and feelings that separate humans from lower forms of life.

Because she’s convinced that the world revolves around her, she rudely wakes JWoww up at 7 am – hey, if Snooki’s up, and wants someone to keep her company, then it must be so.  She then wakes up the rest of the house with her tantrum after JWoww tells her about Mike’s continued gossiping the night before.  He still hasn’t let up on his claim that they slept together, and she’s still denying it.

Sitch tells us: “She’s like the fugitive right now…and I’m harboring information!”  It’s snippets like these that make it crystal clear that these people do actually write their own lines.

Snooki and JWoww head out for breakfast, where Snooki orders two mimosas at a time as though it’s happy hour.  Back at the house, Sitch is going on about his “master plan” again …seriously, this guy is one loose screw away from shaving his head and adopting a mini-me.

While he’s rambling, Ronnie looks unmoved, and is suiting up with deodorant.  This is irrelevant to anything but it makes me laugh out loud.

You've never looked more chimp-like, Ron.

Sitch deliberately plants a false story among the roommates, about some idiotic drama relating to himself, Snooki and Jionni, and as usual, is practically rubbing his hands together as  he waits for things to blow up.

And yet it continues to baffle you that no one likes you.

I can hardly wait for the middle school antics to start up again.

While out shopping, Snooki buys a bottle of 30 year-old wine that is about the same size as she is, and promptly drops it on a cobblestone street, breaking it.  This small thing would give me even more pleasure if she wasn’t piercing the air with her obnoxious I-must-constantly-make-a-scene screams.

Back at home, Sitch is snickering and whispering to Pauly about his “master plan”.  Pauly couldn’t care less; he’s just “waiting with popcorn”, as he puts it, to watch the drama unfold.  When it does, it’s just more of Snooki in tantrum-mode.  She actually chases Sitch around the living room and throws bottles at him.  The complete absence of anyone to root for in this situation makes it almost dull to watch.

The following morning, the guys head off on a trip to see Vinny’s family.  The girls have planned a trip of their own to visit some vineyards.  JWoww tries to rouse Snooki, who, despite having dragged her friend out of bed the day before out of utter selfishness, bites JWoww’s head off and continues the streak of belligerence.

The girls arrive at their first winery, and during the initial part of the tour, Snooki is already using her outside voice.  She follows this up with her ridiculous “waaahhhhh!” whine that she seems to trot out when she thinks she’s being cute.

While their guide is telling them about the vineyard and the wine they’re sampling, Snooki lets out a burp, and tells us that she doesn’t care about the history of the place, because she’s not into geography anymore.

?????????????

"I hate when people try to educate me."

Honestly, how does this kid walk upright?

While they eat with their bewildered guide, Snooki insists on bringing the conversation back to her and her train wreck of a relationship.  JWoww finally calls her out on her classless and selfish behavior, which irks Snooki, and thrills me.

As an aside, I must say that I wish the girls would give up this hat phase they’re in (Sammi gets credit for being the only one to forego the headwear today) – because none of them are pulling it off.

No.

Hell, no.

In Sicily, the guys are scarfing down food with Vinny’s family.

Sicilian meal

Translation: the women are rushing around serving while a tableful of men sit around stuffing their faces.  Right up Vinny’s alley, since his own mother has raised him to expect life to be as it was for men in the Middle Ages.  Anyway, nothing interesting is happening over there.  Back to the girls at the winery.

Snooki realizes that JWoww is done making excuses for her trashy behavior, and makes YET ANOTHER SCENE.  Dear God, please make it stop.  I’ve never loathed someone I’ve never met the way I loathe this…person…right now.

Tantrum # 3973

Ugly.

Back at home, Snooki calls her father and continues with her pissy-bitch streak.  Following this, she calls Jionni  and freaks out at length because he has changed his status to “single” on Facebook….yes, that is correct.  She spends an eternity scolding him for doing what she sees as the unthinkable, before mentioning that she hooked up with Vinny the night before.  Then she’s flabbergasted when he hangs up on her.  Honestly, is this bitch on psychotropic drugs?

Eventually, the idiot gives her another chance, and at this point, it’s clear that he deserves her.

The guys get home from their Sicilian trip, and Robocop – uh, I mean Snooki – corners Vinny to find out what exactly went down between them the other night.

Another bad look

He tells her the ugly truth, which sends her back to the phone to tell Jionni even more stuff he doesn’t want to hear.

I can’t wait until she finally owns up to the stuff Sitch has been shooting his mouth off about.  It’s only a matter of time.  Has MTV set her up as a villain, or is she really this awful?  Either way, the wrap-up of her story will only be satisfying if it involves her social life going up in flames in front of her eyes.  I know, I know…not likely.  One can dream, though, right?

Anyone else want to slap that ridiculous little smirk off of her face?

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One Response to Snooki the Terrible, Part Three

  1. JJ says:

    Dear Italian Winery that agreed to host Snooki et. al.:

    Not a good marketing move, unless you want your wine to be associated with Jersey Shore-type trailer trash. Just ask the House of Cristal Champagne how the rapper patronage has worked out for them. Let’s just say that their “official” position is that they are “serene” about it. Classy.

    Just sayin’.
    Love, JJ

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