Just When You Thought She Couldn’t Be More Awful

The ninth episode of Jersey Shore Italy is actually “The Snooki Show” again.  It opens with Snooks waking up, wearing the same outfit from the night before and reeking of tears and humiliation.

Oh, honey. You're a mess.

She makes a beeline for the phone to try to reach her boyfriend, Jionni who *surprise* isn’t picking up.  She whines some more about how it was so unfair that he left her.  Just to recap, while clubbing in Florence with the roommates and Jionni, she lifted her skirt and gave the entire club an obscene show while dancing, featuring her “kooka” as a special guest.  According to all of the roommates, Jionni overreacted.  Personally, if my boyfriend pulled down his pants in a club and showed everyone his penis, I don’t imagine I’d be all that thrilled either, but I think my breaking up with him would be less about feeling humiliated and more about realizing that I was dating trailer park trash.

Snooki decides she wants to go out for the day, and is all offended when JWoww doesn’t feel like dragging herself out of bed to accompany the girl who, the night before, belligerently told everyone who was trying to comfort her to go to hell.

Snooks heads out on her own and hits a bar, where she aggressively tells all of the bar’s patrons that she’s been wronged and has a tragic life, and how dare they look at her as though she’s a weirdo.

"What are you all looking at? Other than my idiocy, I mean?"

She shrieks that she’s miserable, and then proceeds to dance it off.  The bar patrons look simultaneously amused and horrified.

At the pizzeria, Deena is assigned to cleaning duties, and uh…

Mopping the toilet

..tries to mop the toilet.  Let’s just hope she makes enough on Jersey Shore never to have to get a day job, because she’ll need to hire someone to keep her from swallowing her own tongue.

Snooki finally goes back to the house. She calls her father and berates him for not knowing why Jionni left.  The other female roommates approach and attempt to comfort her (as they’ve been doing since the previous night), and she responds by growling and hurling accusations at them for not being there for her.  For some reason, they all sit there and take it.  In their place, I would pick this horrible little gnome up and throw her off the balcony.  She’s more hateful than a bridezilla is, and being that horrendous is quite the feat.

Cut to Snooki sitting on the balcony, smoking, and rambling to herself about how she’s a loser, and how she needs to change herself before anyone will marry her.  Unfortunately, JWoww arrives and tells her she “doesn’t deserve” any of what’s gone on with Jionni, thereby perpetuating Snooki’s self-deluded sense of victimization.  Honestly, I know that sometimes girlfriends will tell lies about how good you look or how hideous your arch-nemisis is, but I think that if you’re being a supreme asshole, it’s your girlfriends’ jobs to keep you in check.  JWoww has officially punked out.

JWoww tells Snooki that she will try to get Jionni on the phone and fix everything for her.  Meanwhile, Snooki laments the fact that she’s a mess and probably looks it, too.  Sammi says, “Your hair looks perfect, your dress is very cute – who cares if your face is a mess?”  Snooki continues to whimper, and Sammi says, “You look ni– uh, you look like you.” Which is what, like a leprechaun?  Aaaand Sammi gets the award for the most priceless lines this week.

JWoww succeeds in getting Jionni on the phone, and since he’s just at a train station in Florence, she and Snooki rush out to meet him.  What ensues is pretty much the most awkward reunion hug in the history of reunion hugs. Almost as awkward as Deena making out with Pauly.

"OMG, I'm so happy to s-- oh...you're not going to hug me, are you?"

It is so painfully obvious that Jionni wants to be anywhere but there…further evidenced by the fact that he proceeds to let Snooks know that he’ll be leaving on the next train, despite her pathetic display of desperation.  Snooki resumes her bout of self-pity.  I’m bored.

Vinny pulls some weak frat boy prank on Deena (and I’m using the word “frat” loosely, because it’s not like anyone can seriously picture Vinny or any of these people attending an actual university) involving the placement of many items and pieces of furniture onto her twin bed.  Deena starts to tell Vinny off, but he jumps out of the shower and chases her while in the buff…

She laughingly protests but I'm sure she didn't mind that much

…so ha ha, we get it.  Laughs all around.  Zany antics abound.  I will say that I wouldn’t kick him out of bed if I could place his body under the head of a guy I actually consider to be intelligent, respectful and untethered to his mama’s bosom.

The gang decides to go out (for a change), and while Snooks is looking at herself in a mirror, Pauly squeezes her ass cheeks and causes her to topple over.

Believe it or not, this is Snooki sober

Dear Snooki – If you can barely bend over without your ass showing, your skirt is too short.  And since you’re basically a garden gnome, it’s safe to say your skirt is more like a bandana.

At the club, Deena tells JWoww that she’s afraid she might be preggers.  We’re subjected to a far-too-lengthy segment that is supposed to showcase her anxiety, but which doesn’t fool me into believing that there was ever really any chance of her carrying a Jersey Shore spawn. We eventually learn that she is not with child, long after we’ve stopped caring.

Snooki calls Jionni and is shocked when he doesn’t back down from the stance he took while in Italy.  Over the course of their short conversation, Jionni proves that he has more sense in his pinky than all eight of the Shore roommates collectively have in their heads.  Snooki proves only that she is even more spoiled, disrespectful and sullen than I originally believed.

Since Snooki is craving a night in Jersey, the gang stages a night at a place called Karma in their living room.  Apparently Karma has some kind of animal print dress code…

Scary version of Dynasty vixens

…whatever.

After some obvious flirting which Snooki pretends to ignore, Mike puts the moves on her.

Sitch: “Snooki, whyn’t you just break up with your boyfriend an’ let me rock that world, girl?”

JWoww from across the room: “EWWWWWWW.”  She gets an honorable mention for this week’s best line.

A tedious conversation follows, leading to yet another juvenile he said, she said confrontation – this time, between Snooki and Ronnie.  I stop listening part-way through, to preserve brain cells.

Sitch continues to shoot his mouth off about Snooki as though he and she are star-crossed lovers who keep meeting up in different lives.  While he raves about his perfect little flower, she is nursing her heartbreak over her fight with Jionni by hooking up with Vinny (while Deena throws herself at Pauly for the 937th time and gets spurned again).

Let’s see now…how many times is it now that Snooki has cheated on Jionni?  Because you know that scandal with Sitch will turn out to be true.  I can hardly wait for next week’s episode, when she blames all of the roommates for allowing her to mount Vinny and demand he have sex with her.

Ugh, doesn’t she have a garden to go haunt?

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One Response to Just When You Thought She Couldn’t Be More Awful

  1. JJ says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Gah!!! You are making my evening!!

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