Snooki: What? There are consequences to my actions?

What did I tell you?  As usual, the “cliffhanger” we were fed at the end of last week’s episode of Jersey Shore Italy yields nothing of true interest.  Turns out the breathalyzer shows a 0.0 reading, and the police only take Snooki into custody because it’s taking so long for the guys to show up with her ID.  Procedure, that’s all – although, based on her histrionics, you’d think she was being jailed in some East Asian prison for a murder she didn’t commit, with no hope of parole.

The guys arrive on the scene in time to see the car being towed, and Pauly dramatically states that they are stressed out because who knows – Snooki being arrested could lead to the entire group being kicked out of Italy!  Gulp!  Um…seriously, Pauly….are you actually a 10 year-old dressed up as a grown-up?  What is wrong with you?  Are you really that idiotic?

It’s no great surprise to find out that Snooki was ordered to pay a fine and had her license taken away.  Contrary to what she tells Sammi, however, I highly doubt that she spent a nanosecond in a jail cell.

As Jionni gears up to arrive in Florence, he lets Snooki know that Roger, JWoww’s man, won’t be able to make it.  Some sniffling and weepy discussions follow and the girls decide they need to take JWoww out to get her mind off of this unspeakable tragedy.  The guys also decide to go clubbing, and engage in their bizarre version of dancing.

Apparently Snooki is still so shaken up by her horrific ordeal (and I get the feeling that the “ordeal” is not so much smashing into a police cruiser and sending a person to hospital, as it is having to spend time at a police station for the second time) that she’d rather stay home for the night.  She’s tickled when Brittany, Sitch’s standing booty call in Italy, shows up drunk and ready to hook up with Sitch.  Snooki thinks it will be the ultimate prank if she leaves Brittany in Sitch’s bed for him to find when he arrives with some other random chick.  Snooki tells us that Brittany is “such a dumb blonde”.  Yes, Snooki.  What a bimbo.  As opposed to you, the Rhodes Scholar, who just recently learned the word “continent”, but not the definition of one.  Sometimes, I feel like these people make it too easy for me.

Anyway, so Sitch brings some random chick home, and finds Brittany in his bed:

The drunk twin or the librarian...hmmm.

Like any card-carrying slime bucket, he doesn’t look anywhere near as horrified as Snooki would have hoped.  Brittany doesn’t look very disturbed, either.  The only person who seems even vaguely uncomfortable is the new girl.  I can’t help but wonder what brought her and Sitch together at the club, because she reminds me a bit of a young Mary Poppins.  Who would wear that outfit to a club, EVER?

Anyway, Sitch decides to throw her out and go with his sure thing…typical gentlemanly behavior from the Situation.  He all but says “get out”.

The next day, Snooki’s boyfriend, who is actually not a bad-looking guy but whose voice sounds a bit like Smurfette’s, arrives on their doorstep.  He and Sitch appear to make nice, but naturally we’re privy to Sitch’s sketchiness, as evidenced by this questionable facial expression:

"Whatever, Jionni. I got my eye on you."

It feels like we’re in the middle of a bad 1950s comedy, and I’m surprised he doesn’t turn and address the camera with a wink and a conspiratorial grin.  Sitch goes on to tell anyone who’ll listen that he thinks Jionni is suspicious of him.  No one else sees it.  Sitch says that if he starts asking questions or invades Sitch’s space, he’ll “start kicking”.  We’ll have to assume that he means he’ll go all “martial arts” on Jionni’s ass.


...good lord, please stop.

Wow.  You’d think, based on the outcome of his “fight” with Ronnie, when Sitch knocked himself out, he’d keep his mouth shut.  Based on this demonstration of his martial arts “skills”, I’m going to hope for his sake that Jionni continues to be unaware of his existence.

On the way to the club, he continues to yammer on about this imaginary rivalry.  This is Vinny’s reaction:

"Why will this guy not STFU already?"

At the club, Sitch continues to talk his roommates’ ears off about this non-existent issue.  I kind of love that JWoww keeps asking him “What is WRONG with you?” in a will-we-have-to-have-you-committed kind of tone.  Because we’re all asking ourselves this question.

When the gang hits a second club, Snooki takes dancing to the next level – the skank-o-rific level:

After a few minutes of this, Jionni loses it and takes off. A dramatic chase ensues, where JWoww is trying to talk him down from a proverbial ledge (he’s not having it) and Snooki takes her cringe-worthy behavior to new heights, screaming and cursing at her well-meaning pals.  Her conclusion, as usual, is a weepy “I don’t deserve this right now!”

Nice photo op staged by MTV

Actually,  yes you do, Snooks.  Because you are horrible.

This drama continues for a while, with Snooki making more of an ass out of herself than I’ve ever seen anyone make of him- or herself – and that’s saying a lot, because I am a club kid, and I’ve seen a lot.

Back at the house, Snooki’s hysterical behavior continues because they have yet to lasso Jionni.  Sitch tries to discuss the situation (read: gossip about it) with Pauly, who is leaning against the outside wall.  Pauly’s reaction: “Who cares?”   You know, maybe I don’t hate Gumby-locks quite as much as I thought I did.

It’s absolutely hilarious that these people are walking through the deserted streets of Florence calling “Jionni!!  Jionniiiii!!!!!” It reminds me of a family out looking for their dog.  Only it’s a drunk, trashy family, and they’re looking for a grumpy guido who has an unusually large ass for a guy.

Snooki continues to bawl hysterically and flip out; all I can do is laugh.  Are you kidding me?  I’m supposed to feel bad for this kid?  She sounds like a two year-old who’s just been given a time-out and refuses to stay in her corner.

Sammi reveals that she finally gets why her fighting with Ronnie has been such a stressor for the group in the past.  Is it too much to ask that she truly does get it, and will change her behavior in the future?  Doubtful.  But come to think of it, they haven’t fought over the last two episodes.  They also haven’t actually interacted, so…yeah, never mind.

In the meantime, Jionni lets Snooks know that he’s done with her – which, if it were to stick, might actually be the smartest move this guy could make.  This is why I’m certain that it won’t stick.

The consensus among the roommates seems to be more or less that Jionni should have known what he was getting into when he decided to date Snooki (or Schnooki, if you’re asking Ron).  Nevertheless, he says he’s done, and takes off for the airport, as Snooki the sobbing toddler runs into the street snivelling that she can’t believe he’s left her and she doesn’t deserve this.  Remember, she also didn’t deserve to be made to go to the police station after smashing into a police car, sending a person to the hospital as a result, and failing to carry identification while driving in a foreign country.  Just so we’re clear.

I’m sure that Sitch is thinking he couldn’t have planned this any better himself.  He remarks that Jionni looks like a nice guy on the surface, “but at the end of the day, he’s a wankster”.  Hmmm.   Well, he at least has that surface thing going, Sitch.  What’ve you got going there, buddy?

Sketch bag extraordinaire

Yeah.  That’s what I thought.



One Response to Snooki: What? There are consequences to my actions?

  1. JJ says:

    OK. I lost it at “Rhodes Scholar”. After that, I didn’t so much “read” as “cry” from laughter the rest of the way through, and didn’t see much through my tears. xoxo!!

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