The episode opens with Sitch on a sofa, moaning softly and staring straight ahead, with such a forlorn look on his face that he could be auditioning for the role of Lady Guinevere in an off-Broadway stage production.
Sitch tells us that he’s learned that he shouldn’t bang his head into walls in Italy. You know, because elsewhere, it’s perfectly commonplace to bang one’s head into walls.
The Abuser (as Ronnie shall henceforth be known) wakes Sammi up with a kiss and an apology and asks if she wants to talk. She tells him they can talk later, which I guess, for her, is what passes for showing restraint.
We learn that almost none of the roommates have any sympathy for Sitch, because his injuries are self-inflicted. I will say this: I do not disagree with them. His weepy declarations of how he wants to go home do not move me. Especially since he’s previously mentioned that he only has to wear the cervical collar for 10 days. So, let’s face it – he has no intention of going anywhere – he just wants attention.
Ronnie provides it in the form of a tête-à-tête.
I assume this is supposed to depict some sort of sweet irony – enemies making nice and all that jazz, and Ronnie being the voice of reason. HA! Please. Anyway, Sitch is apparently cheered by Ronnie’s
insincere heartfelt advice, and resolves to suck it up and move on with his life in Florence.
Snooki calls her boyfriend, who rebuffs her clumsy attempts at sexy talk (and who, I must say, sounds a bit tight-assed) and makes her feel like garbage. In comes Ronnie, who apparently is the new Oprah, to conduct a therapy session.
I can’t help but notice that in the side interviews, Snooki is still trying that unfortunate Minnie Mouse look:
But I digress.
Ronnie tells Snooki that she shouldn’t have to change for Jionni (don’t most Italians spell it ‘Gianni’?), and that she definitely does not want to find herself in a relationship where she “has to be someone else”. I wonder what made Ron think that he has any right to give relationship advice to anyone, ever.
Deena decides to give Pauly some full-on beauty shop treatment. He acts like he’s scared of what she might do to his precious look, but it almost looks like she’s a little terrified of how he looks without the hair products. Am I right?
So Deena fashions his hair into a faux-hawk – which is actually a massive improvement on his usual ‘do….and he says that now he looks “like one of those guidos on TV who is trying too hard”….um, okay, Pauly. You clearly think that your usual look qualifies as “casual cool”.
Meanwhile, I’m thinking that with this look, it finally looks like someone other than Gumby does his hair.
Vinnie gets into the mix and before you know it, they are portraying “guido tool bags”…
I try to figure out how they can possibly believe that their real personas are, in any way, superior to the characters they are portraying. I think about it, and my head hurts…I got nothing.
Elsewhere, Sammi and Ronnie sit down to have their “talk”…and I kind of tune out for most of it, because it’s basically a showcase of how stupid they both are, and it makes me wish, as I did at the beginning of the season, that they would accidentally pull a Romeo & Juliet, and off themselves.
Vinny tells them he would like them to contain their dysfunction and keep everyone out of it, and they appear to hear him, but we all know they didn’t.
Snooks asks Sitch to admit to her that he’s guilty of slander, and he basically laughs in her face. He seems pretty resolute that he hooked up with her, and that his only crime was telling roommates about it, so at this point, I’m just waiting for her cover to be blown. Even Sitch the gossip queen isn’t this good.
During the gang’s next club stint, Ronnie and Sammi show us that they are not done torturing everyone yet. They’re back together:
Also at Club Twenty One, Deena has an altercation with some girl – Snooki steps in and somehow ends up…brawling with Deena? Yeah, girls, maybe you’d like to keep your eyes open the next time you embark upon a fight. How smashed do you have to be not to realize that the intended target has quietly tiptoed away from the scene?
When the gang gets home, Snooki calls her tight-assed boyfriend, and he busts her chops as usual. Ronnie makes a big deal of how she shouldn’t have to put up with that, and how upset he is that Snooki’s boyfriend has such a negative effect on her, and I’m once again trying to figure out how this hypocrite got invited to the party.
Ronnie even grabs the phone from Snooki and tells Jionni what’s what, and when Jionni tells him where to go, Ron smugly declares that “the guy don’t know what he’s got.” I by no means consider Sammi to be a functional human being, but if Ronnie thinks he has the faintest idea what it means to be a decent boyfriend (or human being, for that matter), he needs psychiatric help.
Deena invites her Italian waiter over to hang out. Sammi remarks that for him to come over on command at 4 am, he must really like Deena. Hmm. Yeah. OR he just really wants to have sex.
As they’re chatting, Deena notices a giant hickey on her guy’s neck.
For some reason this distresses her. Considering what the Shore crew regularly gets up to (in fact, what Deena was up to last week), I think she may be overreacting a teensy bit. It does, however, distress me that he claims that his sister did that to him. And he says it like it should fill Deena with relief. What is this, Flowers in the Attic?
JWoww, Deena, Ronnie and Sammi decide to stage an intervention to get Snooki to ditch Jionni. JWoww and Deena don’t have a lot to go on as far as reasons we should consider them to be credible advisors. But the fact that Ronnie and Sammi think they should be offering up any kind of life advice whatsoever makes me think that maybe I should become a professional volleyball player. I suck at volleyball, but, you know…I’ve played.