Last week in entertainment news, Pauly D’s irritation with the Hollywood Walk of Fame’s decision to shut out reality television stars made me laugh and laugh. Who at MTV was dumb enough to make these people feel so important that they’ve come to feel so entitled? In any case, I sat down to watch the fifth episode of Jersey Shore Italy anticipating fireworks and mad entertainment. I expected to watch Ronnie and the Situation destroy each other. If you did, too, I imagine you were disappointed.
The denouement of last week’s fight between Ronnie and the Situation is laughable, and the lesson learned here is that the lives of these people really are as dull as they seem. Even when you think something big is about to happen, it’s not.
We pick up where we left off, with Ronnie getting “gully” on Sitch’s ass…yeah, I’m still trying to figure out what it means to “get gully”, but whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not interesting.
Anyway, the one thing they didn’t show last week is that, after Sitch suddenly went batshit and started banging on the wall with his hands, he apparently bashed his head against the wall as well.
It’s hard to tell with all of the sneaky editing, but it looks like he then gets up and resumes his histrionics. Ron is concurrently blaming Sammi for everything that has transpired. It’s somehow her fault that she told him about Sitch blowing his cover, which in turn caused Ronnie to behave like a wild animal that has been provoked mercilessly. Do you follow?
So far, I cannot find any redeeming qualities in any of the male housemates. It blows my mind that their families haven’t changed their names and moved to a different continent. Then I think about it for a moment, and I know why. None of the reasons I come up with are complimentary toward their families whatsoever.
Anyway, back to the Situation (and I’m referring to Mike, not the predicament they’re in). He and Ronnie get into it, with Sammi screaming “STAP!!! STAP!!!! STAAAP IT!!!” in the background…and then the production crew steps in to pull them apart. Sitch comments on how, despite all his muscles, Ron didn’t mess up Sitch’s “pretty” face. All I’m thinking about is those unfortunate yellow jogging pants that Sitch is wearing again. I mean, I like yellow, but Sitch + yellow + jogging pants = not working for Precious.
Ronnie continues to berate Sammi, going so far as to *shove* her around – are you kidding me with this?
and JWoww actually tells the camera how she believes that Sammi is the reason that Ronnie flipped out, hence why this whole debacle went down. So what went down has nothing to do with Sitch’s penchant for gossip and Ronnie’s overall assholery? Really, JWoww?! Do us all a favor and STFU.
Pauly and Vinny are sitting to the side giggling like ten-year olds. As per usual. Ronnie is telling Sammi she’s “not worth nothing”, in keeping with the abusive theme. Naturally, this is not what causes her to walk away even though it should be – it’s his mean-spirited proclamation that he’s been calling other girls since he arrived in Florence.
While Sitch is carted off to the hospital, Ronnie, like any good abuser, starts apologizing for his behavior. During his apology to Sammi, he admits that he has been calling one girl in particular, saying that he’s trying to be honest. Sammi says, “Be honest all you want. I just don’t want anything to do with you, ever again in my entire life.” If only she was smart enough to mean a word of this. I will be stupefied if they aren’t back together by the end of this scene.
When Sammi rebuffs his efforts to talk, the abuser moves on to sulky melodrama and decides he’s going home. Vinny (who looks about as weary and exasperated as I feel) reminds Ronnie that he’s drunk and tired and shouldn’t be making such a decision at this time. Ronnie is convinced that he has “no peace of mind” and that it’s all because Sammi has been playing with his head since they arrived. Next, I expect he’ll be flinging her down a flight of stairs and then weepily saying that it’s her fault, and asking her why she had to make him so mad.
Sitch comes home in the morning, and we learn that he has a light concussion and a neck sprain. Or at least this is what we’re supposed to believe. Why he has a cervical collar on in his interview shots, and not during the initial scene when he gets home, is beyond me.
When he sobers up, Ronnie lets us know he’s feeling remorseful…and I can’t believe he actually knows the word remorseful. He probably doesn’t know what it means, mind you, but he has successfully used it in a sentence, and I’m taken aback.
Right after Sammi checks on Sitch to see if he’s okay, he whines to the camera that nobody is checking on him to see if he’s okay, which hurts his feelings. He also informs us that it’s Sammi’s fault that he bashed his own head into a wall and ended up in a neck brace that looks like it was used as a prop on the set of Three’s Company.
His sob story amuses me, if anything. The tearful moment he’s supposedly having is less convincing than the poorly scripted dialogue we were subjected to on this year’s VMAs.
Gotta love the irony of his hoodie, though.
Soon, we see that Ronnie and Sammi have resumed their childish bickering (she puts everything he ever gave her on his bed, he puts it in the garbage, she fishes out the jewellery, they snipe at each other, and so on). An argument between two 13 year olds would be more compelling. Ronnie continues to bitch about how Sammi is responsible for every ill in the world, but naturally patches things up with Sitch. Is anyone else choking on the shameful displays of misogyny on this show? I thought this was 2011.
The girls go out on their own and the guys (minus Sitch and his neck brace) hit a club, where Pauly gets into it with some Italian guy, and I find myself hoping he gets a beatdown. Sadly, he doesn’t even get kicked out of the club.
As the episode comes to a close, Ronnie brings flowers home for Sammi to “show her she’s the asshole, and I’m not an asshole.” Funny, I’ve never gotten “you’re an asshole” flowers before. Sammi’s skeptical as to what his reasons are for being “nice”, so he reverts back to abusive behavior, and she reverts back to taking it. It’s time for these two to eff off now.
To any friends of mine who are reading this: if I ever consider dating anyone who is one trillionth as horrible as Ronnie is…
…please tie me up, douse me in honey, stand me in a dumpster and send out engraved invitations to every bee, wasp and hornet on Earth. ‘Preciate it.