This past week, I was actually looking forward to seeing what our Jersey Shore team of hot messes was up to.
For the fourth episode in Italy, we pick up on the morning after Deena and Vinny played Pass The Drunk Twin, and Vinny is telling Ronnie about how Deena pulled a robbery on him. As Vinny puts it, “Truth is, me and Deena did tag-team a girl. But robbing is not team work. It’s called ‘tag-team’, not ‘tag-rob’.” Uh-huh. Your wit astounds me, Vinny.
Snooki is still whining about how if she loses Gianni over the lies Sitch is telling, she’ll kill him. Thou doth protest too much, Minnie Mouse.
Deena is annoyed that the guys are all judging her for hooking up with a girl. I agree with you, Deena – in fact, I’m waiting to see Pauly hook up with an especially pretty guy that one of you girls brings home!
The girls have decided to wear floppy hats and put on Long Island accents for Sunday dinner. Result:
Snooki looks like a scary version of Little Bo Peep, Deena channels Joan Collins if Joan Collins became a sheriff…
…Sammi looks like a farmer…
and JWoww has morphed into a giant sombrero on stilts.
As usual, the Situation decides to pass judgment on issues that no one has requested his opinion about. It becomes clear that Vinny is still sulking over the events of the night before. He and Pauly decide it would be hilarious if they moved Deena’s bed out of the room they share with her, as payback, and they seem excessively pleased with this oh-so-elaborate plan of theirs. When Deena breaks down crying and JWoww asks them to have a heart and give the girl a break already, they become sullen and defensive. At this point, I think the boys in my sixth grade class were more mature than these two jackasses. Who am I kidding – I know they were.
At JWoww’s insistence, they all sit down to hash it out. Somehow (and maybe I’m missing something because I don’t know their whole history by heart), they manage to bully Deena into feeling like she is messed up just because she had a lesbian hook-up. By the time this so-called conversation ends, I actually feel a little sorry for Deena, and my dislike for Vinny and Pauly is intensifying.
I’m not altogether surprised when we see Ronnie giggling and chatting on the phone with Hannah (the “friend” who “helped him through Sammi stuff” – a.k.a. some girl he slept with while they were broken up), even though he and Sammi are supposedly back together. JWoww remembers his drunken confessions with respect to this, and confronts him, only to get the same sullen look that all of the guys are sporting this week. Oh well, JWoww, at least you tried. The impending battle is inevitable. As far as I can see, Sammi’s decision to reunite with Ronnie was sort of akin to the following conversation (if it were to happen) between an abusive husband and his spouse:
Abuser: Let’s get back to together.
Abusee: What’s changed? How have you dealt with the issue of your violent temper?
Abuser: I took a nature photography course. Oh, and I’m really good at online poker now.
Abusee: Awesome. I can’t wait to have you back in my bed. Welcome home!
We watch what I’m sure are supposed to be wacky hijinks while Deena and Snooki are at “work” at the pizza parlor, but it is just as watch-paint-dry boring as their stint was at that T-shirt shop in Jersey.
Ronnie buys Sammi a bunch of guilt gifts and takes all the credit for stuff that JWoww picked out for Sammi on his behalf. Sammi gushes over everything and asks him if he would like her to wear one of the dresses he gave her that night. He couldn’t care less. Naturally, Sammi is as charmed as ever.
They go out for dinner and Sammi once again discusses how happy she is that none of the drama in the house has anything to do with them. Ronnie inexplicably pulls a Charlie Sheen and exclaims, “Winning!” and Sammi asks him to please not do that, at the exact same moment that I’m snapping “Don’t do that.” at my television screen.
At the club that night, Vinny is talking to an Italian girl with whom he thinks he’s conversing in the “international language of love”. She tells him straight up that she doesn’t want to screw him, and this is the most satisfying moment of the episode for me so far.
Pauly gets annoyed because a girl who came home with him wants to hang out with him in an upright position and doesn’t want to jump into bed with him immediately. He promptly (and rudely) kicks her out when she refuses to lie down with him on command. To my delight, this leads to her friend, the girl Sitch brought home, leaving as well. But my amusement is short-lived because Sitch always has the desperate, pathetic American girl (whose twin sister hooked up with Deena and Vinny) to summon over as his back-up plan.
Ronnie and Sammi are fighting – wow, didn’t see that coming. Sitch comes in and gives them some hearts-and-flowers pep talk, which I’m certain he’s only too willing to offer because he knows he’s having sex soon, so what’s not to be cheerful about? The prospect of sex makes us all charitable, does it not?
Not long after the pep talk, Sammi mentions some things that Sitch the gossip queen told her about Ronnie. Ronnie is livid and decides that he’s about to lose his shit on Sitch.
Does anyone have any idea what it means to get gully? What language are these people speaking? And why are they poisoning America with it?
Ronnie confronts Sitch, who denies everything while we’re shown a clip of him saying exactly what he says he didn’t say. Ronnie stomps around like a miniature King Kong, and then Sitch unexpectedly goes completely batshit and screams, “You wanna hit me, tough guy?! LET’S DO IT! LET’S DO ITTTTTT!!!”
As the credits roll, we see the beginning of what promises to be an eventful segment of next week’s show.
What’s fascinating is the absence of a character to root for in this fiasco of a situation. Sitch is horrible because he’s always stirring shit up, and Ronnie is horrible because he is a lying, misogynistic pig who likes to twist situations around and paint himself as the wronged party, even as the canary feathers are protruding from his mouth. With any luck, they will destroy each other.
I come away from this episode still feeling some empathy toward Deena because of the guys’ earlier behavior. I won’t lie – I’m a little resentful that I’ve been put in a position where I might root for any one of these people. How dare they?
Ah, well. It won’t last. Who’s looking forward to watching Sitch and Ronnie flatten each other? I am, I am!