I started off watching this week’s Jersey Shore episode with a song in my heart. This had much to do with my amusement regarding Abercrombie & Fitch’s statement released earlier in the week saying that they had asked Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to please stop wearing their clothes, that they’d be happy to pay him and the rest of the cast to refrain from being free advertising for them. Gold, I tell you. I don’t care what their motivation is, be it a marketing ploy or sincere concern for their brand image. The move was so deliciously cheeky that I might just look into A&F clothes even though I’ve never shopped there before.
As this week’s episode begins, The Situation himself is finishing up his second booty call with the same idiotic girl he unceremoniously kicked out the last time. He unceremoniously kicks her out again.
Ronnie and “Schnooki”, as he likes to call her, are painting each other’s toenails and braiding each other’s hair….okay fine, so they are actually having drinks on a patio, but their conversation is very 8th grade slumber party:
“So, like, are you and Sammi gonna talk?”
“I don’t know, but if she wants to talk tonight, I totally don’t want that to happen.”
“I totally want you guys to get back together, though. It doesn’t feel right, not having you guys pollute the house with all of your screaming and throwing things at each other. I want you guys to rediscover your sad little romance.”
Or something to that effect.
Elsewhere, Deena and Sammi are hanging out on another patio, looking for a husband for Deena. Or at least someone she can “do sex” with, I imagine. She chats up the waiter, who is skinnier than the girls’ usual type, because his arms actually lie somewhat flush against the sides of his body. She gets his phone number, and tells Sammi as they are leaving that “he speaks well English”. Well, at least one of you speaks English well, Deena.
As the group heads out to the club later, Sitch tells his friends that his booty call girl (remember, the one with no pride, self-esteem or taste in men) has a twin sister who “wants to join in the festivities”.
While at the club, Snooki finds herself alone, looking for her girls. When an italian with a penchant for garden gnomes reaches out to her as she passes, saying “bellissima“, she screams like a banshee and scuttles off resembling, I kid you not, a toddler who’s just done a number two in her diaper.
Deena meets up with her Italian waiter, and it’s not long before they’re making out. See Deena, this is what it looks like when a guy actually wants to kiss you.
See how he’s shoving his tongue down your throat? Yes. Now flash back to you and Pauly.
See how his head is practically leaned away from you and every fiber in his being is taut? Never a favorable sign.
Sitch tells his sure thing and her twin sister that they are definitely coming home with him tonight and proceeds to slink off to the other side of the club to find other girls to hit on. I wonder, with a shudder, how many kinds of microbes are living in this guy’s mouth.
Fast forward to the next day at the house: after some of what passes for banter and pranking in their world, the American twins turn up to hang out with Sitch. While at a restaurant patio, one of them says “I need a drink.” I take this to mean that she needs her beer goggles to trick herself into being attracted to this sketch bag in the light of day.
Ronnie and Sammi are on a rooftop patio having a talk. By “talk”, I mean Sammi is grovelling for him to take her back and Ronnie is grunting at her. We should all say a prayer for all of the teenage girls out there who misguidedly look up to Sammi, who is basically just a quivering heap of submissiveness. She and Ronnie decide, for no discernible reason, that they should get back together. At this point, the sun is beginning to set over Florence, and as Sammi remarks that it is so “romantical”, Ronnie belches. I figure they deserve each other.
The next club excursion sees Sitch once again making plans to go home with the twins later on. I’m still not sure I understand why these
aspiring actresses girls are into his scene.
The rest of the gang begins to get to know the girls and now apparently Snooki, who previously called the first twin an ugly whore, is now besties with her and thinks she’s hot. Deena thinks the second twin is even hotter and begins to make out with her. Sitch isn’t 100% pissed, but he certainly isn’t happy with this turn of events, and for that alone, I like Deena a little more right now.
At the house at the end of the night, Ronnie tells Sammi and JWoww that Sitch told him a story that he would rather not repeat – he then proceeds to repeat it: Sitch claims to have hooked up with Snooki repeatedly, including while she was with her current boyfriend.
A whole mess of he-said-she-said conversations ensue, and for a few minutes, I feel like I’ve time-travelled back to the 7th grade. The end result: Snooki hates Sitch, Sitch hates Ronnie. Sammi is smug because for once, she is not at the center of the yelling and screaming. Somehow, while all this is going on, Deena and Vinny are passing the bisexual twin back and forth between their beds.
The episode ends with Snooki blubbering about how she will kill Sitch if she loses her boyfriend over this. I find myself completely indifferent to this plot…oops…I mean her “plight”…because I’m riveted by the look she is sporting in her hair and on her hands.
In the words of my hero Karen Walker: oh honey, you are a mess.