The second episode of Jersey Shore Italy takes us back to the end of the previous episode…you know, where Deena is slurping up Pauly’s face at a club, and Pauly looks like he’s having dental surgery without anesthetics and is praying for death.
Cut to Pauly saying (in a none-too-convincing manner) that “it was fun – she’s a good kisser, I’m a good kisser…”
Pauly wants this girl like a person wants a root canal – I can see it on his face. It has nothing to do with “feelings” or him not wanting to hurt her, like he’s saying. But Snooki the valedictorian doesn’t see this. She and JWoww are convinced that Pauly will hook up with Deena at some point.
Pauly proceeds to flirt with other girls at the club and the other female housemates save Deena from making an ass of herself by kidnapping her when she tries to break up his antics.
In the cab on the way home, Pauly all but offers to pay Vinny to hook up with Deena when they get home. Yup, sounds like the fires of passion are burning strong. I’m still not altogether sure whether it’s Deena that repulses him, or just women in general.
Once they’re home, JWoww goes in search of a bathroom so that she doesn’t “piss in public…again”….whatever that means. Ronnie calls a “friend” named Hannah, whom he tells us helped him through a lot of Sammi stuff. I take this to mean Hannah helped him put his penis into her vagina.
In another room, Deena topples over and Sammi remarks, “Deena is clumsy…she falls all the time.” Yeah, nothing to do with the fact that she’s completely smashed.
As everyone goes off to bed, Deena decides that she hasn’t made quite enough of an ass of herself tonight, and figures she’ll slip into Pauly’s room and try to “do sex”. After unsuccessfully trying to shake him awake, she walks out, after which our boy Pauly opens his eyes, which confirms that he would, in fact, rather die than hook up with her. Any intelligent person out there knows that, if a guy is attracted to a girl, his penis trumps any feelings of respect, guilt or responsibility. A man’s penis leads him even in his sleep. It’s just fact.
The next day, Sammi suggests that she and Deena make dinner for everyone. Deena mentions how she’s proud of herself for not falling the night before – and I’m confused because I watched her face-plant repeatedly at the beginning of this episode. Midway through preparation, they decide to pop out for a bite with JWoww, which the guys take as a sign that they should either take over cooking, or prepare to go hungry. They decide on the former. The girls come back just in time to pretend to be indignant that they didn’t get a chance to make the meal they’d promised. Well played, girls. Well played.
Snooki is on the phone with her boyfriend (or, let’s face it, the actor who has been hired to play her boyfriend for the season), and he already sounds like an ass, but this comes as no surprise because this seems to be the Shore girls’ type.
The Situation is standing around snooping – and it’s becoming increasingly clear that he is like one of those busybody housewives who spends their days at the kitchen window, watching the neighbours and waiting to find out dirt on everyone – he pounces right after she gets off, pretends like he is just concerned for her happiness, but clearly can’t wait to deal some blows to her relationship. Also, everything about this guy gives me the heebie-jeebies. He’s so sketchy, I would not be shocked to find him driving a 1980s-model white van through the neighbourhood, I swear.
Later, as they stroll through the streets of Florence searching for their new place of “employment”, a pizzeria, they spot what they agree is the Vatican, and they comment on how pretty it is. At this point, I’m pretty sure that this isn’t scripted, and that these people really are that dumb. I’m certain that MTV knows what a coup they’ve pulled off – this is the easiest money anyone’s made since Saturday Night Live aired sketches using Sarah Palin’s words verbatim. America, be very afraid that this crew spent several months representing you over there in Florence.
The gang goes clubbing again and Sitch meets up with a “beautiful…no wait…cute” girl (really, Sitch? You actually think you’re in any position to judge someone by their looks?) ….who turns out to be American – which makes perfect sense to me, because until now, none of the Italians want to hook up with these people. Maybe this is why there seems to be so much in-dating going on in this group. No one else will have them and they don’t want to admit defeat. This is going to be a loooong season.
Ronnie gets smashed and tells us that he is “the pimp daddy mack of this whole place”. Pimp Daddy has toilet paper stuck to his brow.
He also tells Vinny that he had sex with 4 girls right before he left for Italy. Sammi somehow overhears this (hard not to, when you’re hanging onto every word that comes out of your rotten ex’s mouth in a busy club) and freaks out. I immediately predict that these two are going to resume their bullshit relationship and contaminate this (already dull) Jersey Shore season with their poison.
Sitch brings his girl back to the house, and Snooki talks to Vinny about how she thinks all of the girls the guys hook up with are ugly. All I can think is that she should probably avoid reminding anyone of the word ‘ugly’ while she’s onscreen, because she still reminds me of a garden gnome. Also, to moi, ugly = inarticulate, ignorant and talentless….a bill these losers are fitting to a tee – and the people they label as ‘grenades’ are almost always better-looking than they are. I’m pretty sure we can all see it. Once Sitch is done with his one-night stand, he all but kicks her out on her ass by telling her that her choices are a) for him to call a friend of hers to pick her up, or b) for him to call her a cab. As she leaves, JWoww and Snooki heckle her, and call her a whore. Which is interesting because none of these losers are in any position to judge anyone. I physically hate them all at this point.
I’m even more certain of my hatred when we are forced to watch Sitch and Snooki have a heart-to heart, most of which I don’t pay attention to because I figure it’s just a precursor to the drama that is bound to ensue. I also can’t figure out how a guy who purposely dons canary yellow jogging pants with a red T-shirt thinks that he is any sort of catch. Just…don’t.
Cut to the gang (or most of it) dining al fresco. The group is trying to tell Sammi that she and Ronnie need to dial it down so that they don’t all go insane. I figure this is the one lucid thought they are all going to have for this episode, so I have no criticism.
The next day, the group heads to a rooftop somewhere, with Snooki wearing a floppy hat that makes one think she should never wear hats. Snooki exclaims that she loves Rome, before realizing that she’s not in Rome, and quickly corrects herself and says Italy. I wonder if she knows Italy’s a country yet, or if she still thinks it’s part of the “country of Europe”. Deena sings about how she loves Florence, and I’m reminded of how she sang in the same manner during the first episode – something about going to Italy. Is she hoping some record label magnate is watching this drivel and decides to sign her? Well, Snooki the Clueless Garden Gnome got a book deal, so…she’s not actually delusional. This prospect is so depressing that I pour myself a drink just to finish watching the episode.
They start talking about some cathedral they can see from where they are and, once again, make reference to it as the Vatican. It’s blowing my mind that these people can walk upright without wearing helmets. These are supposedly Italian-Americans, folks.
They go out to another club, blah blah blah, more Sammi-Ronnie drama ensues, and they head home. Situation, in true sketch bag form, needs to have “a back-up plan” as he puts it. He calls over the same girl that he so rudely put out on her ass after their one-night stand.
I would give reluctant kudos to Ronnie for not reuniting with Sammi (it’s been *2* episodes so far!), despite her spineless invitation to “go in the bed and cuddle”, but I know that this push-pull thing is probably just their mating dance. Good lord, Sammi, have you no shame? WTF is wrong with you? I look at him and I see someone whose advances I’d spurn at any club in North America. You’re in Italy, girl! You can’t find a guy (or 80) that surpasses him in every way?! Seriously, WTF is wrong with you?
I’m more than ready for the fun to start. With any luck, someone will get arrested in the next episode.