Jersey Bore

The first ten minutes of Jersey Shore Italy: Episode 1 feature what I assume was meant as compelling footage of the Classless Eight.

Snooki educates us on how Europe is a large *country*, “and then Britain’s in there, and England, and Italy”.  It’s unclear to me, among other things, as to whether she believes that Italy is outside of Europe, or a part of it.

Pauly tells us about how he plans to make his trip to Italy one big panty raid.  I think to myself, “Wait…he’s not gay?”  And it occurs to me that I haven’t actually heard of a panty raid since I watched old Police Academy movies with my parents.

Deena tells us that she doesn’t plan to just “do sex”, she’s going to feel the guys out and THEN maybe do sex.  She also shows the passport photographer her ample rear in a take-me-from-behind move that I’m sure had the photog hurriedly closing up shop afterward so that he could run home for a quick scrub with bleach.

Deena's odd mating ritual with the passport photog

Vinny says something about how he’s looking for a “real, traditional Italian girl”, which I take to mean he’s looking for someone who will wait on him hand and foot and wipe the snot from his nose the way his mommy does.  He’s concerned that his roomies won’t recognize him because he has a beard.  I wonder if I need corrective eyewear, because as far as I can see, he has less hair on his face than my little brother had at age 12.

Snooki’s back to tell us that she doesn’t have any idea where Italy is on a map, but knows it’s shaped like a boot.  Saying things like this out loud immediately puts her in the running as the roommate I will hate the most. I recognize that this is largely scripted to make her seem even dumber than we already know she is. But note to you, MTV: it hasn’t been cute to come off as dumb since 1952, and even then, it was only cute to misogynistic men with mud for brains, so….oh….I see what you’re doing there.  Right, carry on.

Mike “the Situation” tells us that he’s looking forward to the free-spirited girls of Italy – it sounds like he thinks he’ll have better luck with them than with the chicks from Jersey, but I’m thinking Italian women have higher standards.  Have you seen the fine specimens that Italy produces?!  Not for nothing, Mikey, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up.

JWoww is highly doubtful that she will run into any juicehead gorillas in Italy (I think this is supposed to be a bad thing), and so she believes that she and her breast implants will stay faithful to her boyfriend.  I assume this is foreshadowing for her inevitable indiscretions.

Ronnie and Sammi separately tell us about how they are most definitely not going to hook up with each other again, and how they are happy to be going to Italy single.  Based on the footage of past seasons, I give them about 11 seconds after seeing each other before they throw it all to hell (hell for the viewers, that is).

The girls arrive in Italy together, and Snooki the scholar sees the money exchange booth at the airport and asks, “Is that where we get pesos?”  Me to my TV: “I guess it would be – if you were in Mexico, bitch.”  JWoww mumbles something about how her heart is in her throat and this is what gives her blemishes.  I have no idea what that means, but I assume they boozed it up on the plane, so I let it go.

The guys arrive and are driven through the streets of Florence.  I involuntarily tune out, so I can’t tell you what the hell they were going on about, but I do catch something about how it’s the “most beautiful-est” country one of them has ever seen.  It’s stressing me out that I want to hunt these people down and mark up the air they breathe with a red pen.

The guys arrive at the house first, and when the girls arrive, Sammi comments sheepishly that Ronnie looks good.  Guess it won’t be long before their 485th reconciliation.  I’m not even that familiar with their drama but from my background research, I’m already wishing they would make like Romeo and Juliet and accidentally off themselves, saving us from what is sure to be the most tedious storyline this season.

The gang takes inaugural we’re-in-Italy Limoncello shots and Ronnie is topless, presumably to entice Sammi.  No need, Ron.  You had her at ‘hello’.

Pauly is stressed because his hair dryer is not vibing with the electrical outlets and he may not be able to sculpt his hair into the Chia-pet looking ‘do he’s used to.  The horror.  Sammi is even more concerned because what the hell is she going to do with her hair?  You can tell from her expression that this might be the thing that puts her on a plane back to the States.

Ronnie continues to walk around shirtless, and it seems embarrassingly clear that it’s for Sammi’s benefit, but I guess this is all supposed to be “gripping drama”.

Apparently Snooki works out now.  While she does crunches, Vinnie thinks it might be fun to stand over her wearing just a towel.  I would probably trip him and push a bookcase over onto him, but she just makes a vague “WTF” sound.  And yes, I’m aware of how ridiculous the idea is of a bookcase residing in a house where these people live.

The Situation takes Ronnie aside to tell him “in confidence” that he hooked up with Snooki recently, while she was with her current boyfriend.  It seems to me that Sitch is planting this information with Ronnie the way one plants a rumor with the neighborhood busybody, in the hopes that everyone within the stratosphere catches wind of it.

"Whatever you do, don't tell the millions of viewers what I'm about to tell you."

Ronnie is upset that Mike wants to mess with “Schnooki”.  Apparently, “Snooki” is too hard for Ronnie to pronounce.  I wish I could hold up flash cards and make him say words like “snake”, “snap” and “snow” to help him practice the sound that ‘s’ and ‘n’ make together, because this is the kind of small thing that’s going to get on my nerves, I can tell.

The gang heads off to a club, and they do their fist-pumping, head-bopping thing.  While the credits roll, Deena is persuading Pauly to make out with her.  Um, I’m no expert or anything….I mean, I only have eight thousand gay boyfriends or whatever, and besides that, a bunch of experience with guys in the closet.  But I’m 99% sure that this guy is either completely repulsed by Deena and her boobs (which, truthfully, isn’t that much of a stretch), or he’s so far in the closet that he’s about to meet the creatures of Narnia.

Pauly: "Oh man, she's eating my face. Rather than humiliate her, let me just endure this ordeal with the tensest face ever."

We’ll have to see as the season goes on, and as I get to know these douchebags a little better.  Hopefully, something interesting actually happens in the next episode, because so far, these people are a snore.  Classless and shockingly idiotic, but still a snore.

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3 Responses to Jersey Bore

  1. Jeanette says:

    OMG, I had a coronary reading this! Thank you!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! More!! More! Please God, more!!! And by “God”, I mean you 🙂

  2. […] Elsewhere, Sammi and Ronnie sit down to have their “talk”…and I kind of tune out for most of it, because it’s basically a showcase of how stupid they both are, and it makes me wish, as I did at the beginning of the season, that they would accidentally pull a Romeo &a… […]

  3. […] that the next episode, which I’m about to watch, yields a better pay-out.  Judging from my recap of the first episode of Season 4, the fun tends to begin a few episodes into any given season.  Just in case, I might keep a few […]

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