Bullies and Hypocrites, Jersey-Style

August 30, 2011

This past week, I was actually looking forward to seeing what our Jersey Shore team of hot messes was up to.

For the fourth episode in Italy, we pick up on the morning after Deena and Vinny played Pass The Drunk Twin, and Vinny is telling Ronnie about how Deena pulled a robbery on him.  As Vinny puts it, “Truth is, me and Deena did tag-team  a girl.  But robbing is not team work.  It’s called ‘tag-team’, not ‘tag-rob’.”  Uh-huh.  Your wit astounds me, Vinny.

Snooki is still whining about how if she loses Gianni over the lies Sitch is telling, she’ll kill him.  Thou doth protest too much, Minnie Mouse.

Who told Snooki this was a good look for her?

Deena is annoyed that the guys are all judging her for hooking up with a girl.  I agree with you, Deena – in fact, I’m waiting to see Pauly hook up with an especially pretty guy that one of you girls brings home!

The girls have decided to wear floppy hats and put on Long Island accents for Sunday dinner.   Result: Read the rest of this entry »

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No Idea Why Abercrombie & Fitch is Concerned…Really. No Idea.

August 20, 2011

I started off watching this week’s Jersey Shore episode with a song in my heart.  This had much to do with my amusement regarding Abercrombie & Fitch’s statement released earlier in the week saying that they had asked Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to please stop wearing their clothes, that they’d be happy to pay him and the rest of the cast to refrain from being free advertising for them.  Gold, I tell you.  I don’t care what their motivation is, be it a marketing ploy or sincere concern for their brand image.  The move was so deliciously cheeky that I might just look into A&F clothes even though I’ve never shopped there before.

As this week’s episode begins, The Situation himself is finishing up his second booty call with the same idiotic girl he unceremoniously kicked out the last time.  He unceremoniously kicks her out again.

As chivalrous as ever.

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How Are They Making Italy Seem This Dull?

August 14, 2011

The second episode of Jersey Shore Italy takes us back to the end of the previous episode…you know, where Deena is slurping up Pauly’s face at a club, and Pauly looks like he’s having  dental surgery without anesthetics and is praying for death.

"Anyone have any Listerine handy? Or Clorox will do."

Cut to Pauly saying (in a none-too-convincing manner) that “it was fun – she’s a good kisser, I’m a good kisser…”

Pauly wants this girl like a person wants a root canal – I can see it on his face.  It has nothing to do with “feelings” or him not wanting to hurt her, like he’s saying.  But Snooki the valedictorian doesn’t see this. She and JWoww are convinced that Pauly will hook up with Deena at some point.

Pauly proceeds to flirt with other girls at the club and the other female housemates save Deena from making an ass of herself by kidnapping her when she tries to break up his antics.

In the cab on the way home, Pauly all but offers to pay Vinny to hook up with Deena when they get home.  Yup, sounds like the fires of passion are burning strong.  I’m still not altogether sure whether it’s Deena that repulses him, or just women in general. Read the rest of this entry »


Jersey Bore

August 6, 2011

The first ten minutes of Jersey Shore Italy: Episode 1 feature what I assume was meant as compelling footage of the Classless Eight.

Snooki educates us on how Europe is a large *country*, “and then Britain’s in there, and England, and Italy”.  It’s unclear to me, among other things, as to whether she believes that Italy is outside of Europe, or a part of it.

Pauly tells us about how he plans to make his trip to Italy one big panty raid.  I think to myself, “Wait…he’s not gay?”  And it occurs to me that I haven’t actually heard of a panty raid since I watched old Police Academy movies with my parents.

Deena tells us that she doesn’t plan to just “do sex”, she’s going to feel the guys out and THEN maybe do sex.  She also shows the passport photographer her ample rear in a take-me-from-behind move that I’m sure had the photog hurriedly closing up shop afterward so that he could run home for a quick scrub with bleach.

Deena's odd mating ritual with the passport photog

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As I Prepare to Lose a Few Brain Cells

August 3, 2011

On the eve of my debut as a self-styled television critic, I have got to tell you: I’m tickled pink and more excited than I thought I’d be.  Part of it is due to the prospect of my evil urges being satiated by regular opportunities to rip apart the likes of the Jersey Shore crowd.  Until now I’d only been privy to snippets of the show.  So after reading up a little on these degenerates, viewing past video footage courtesy of mtv.ca and watching this

http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/jersey-shore/video_content.jhtml?id=1667471

…I’m still excited, but now also a titch scared that I’ve gotten myself into something that will ultimately make my head explode.   I’m happy to watch so that you don’t have to – but know that if you do watch, you’ll be able to partake that much more easily in my mocking of this freak show *cough* reality TV program.

See you on the other side of tomorrow night’s season premiere!